[ That's fair. Siffrin has seen a lot of faces today that they did not expect to see, checking on them. In part, they feel bad they haven't been feeling enough of themselves to fall back into their script, to assure they're okay. An awful actor they are.
Even though they are okay. If he can go through time loops, die again and again, something like an excursion that he went on... (...) ]
Oh. [ The grip tightens and their chest tightens in turn, their heart flutters and they tug a little at their collar to partly hide. Once they're in view, they can sit somewhere. There's probably some comfy seats. Siffrin is definitely not going for the cots. No more resting. ]
[ Everything. But that's in part a lie. Still, they grow quiet, thinking about it. And Siffrin always grows so quiet, only wincing a little when they realize they must have been quiet for too long. ]
The injuries don't. [ Unfortunately, out of habit, so used to their time looping, they simply think if they could die and reset it'd deal with the whole ordeal of having injuries but. Nope. Can't do that here.
Quietly, they glance across to the others in the distance. ] "Willing sacrifice for the unwilling sacrifice." Because someone was wrongly sacrificed some time before.. it caused some, problems to where we were. It's.. a bit complicated. We lived our lives there but.. we couldn't have, not really.
[ And yet, it feels like it at times. It wasn't the best kind of life growing, but they remember a life growing up. They remember who their parents were in this life. And found family elsewhere, in this group. ]
[ she doesn't think the injuries don't hurt, but she won't press it now.
for elysia, many of these thursday expeditions sound similar to a something that can happen back in her world. it doesn't take much to wrap her mind around, but it doesn't make it better to see people struggling and coming back in pain. ]
It's both your life and wasn't your life. If your memories are clear enough, I don't think you should forget what happened.
[ ... ]
You were made to take the brunt of that sacrifice's consquences?
...The memories weren't.. always good. But they were some good ones.
[ Because of it, they don't want to forget. Even if it's a life that's different, even if their connections to the people there are different than here... they still care about them. A lot. They've become family, in a way that's different. In a life that shouldn't have been real. That isn't.
Quietly, they take that inquiry, watching the others. ]
I wanted to. A lot of what was happening, I felt the most responsible for it. Because of - something that I created. [ A friend, as a maker. ] But they all wanted to take that sacrifice. At the same time, we each didn't want anyone doing it so..
..I was.. a Dreamer? I created a.. dreamscape, a friend, a forest. Something ended up.. targeting the forest. A demon. Two of the others had connections to that forest for specific reasons, but because of that they got affected.. horribly under the demon.
[ And yet that forest was important to them. A friend. It isn't as if they regret creating it, but as its maker.. the damage done to it hurt two of them. Something they can't quite forgive themselves for even if they didn't have a choice in the life they led. Obviously they would have been the best choice to sacrifice. ]
..Yeah. There was.. no other choice. It had to be someone.
[ Sacrifice them all and not just one. The compromise. ]
You all are trying so hard to the one most at fault when you should be blaming what made you all do this. If you didn't have a choice in it, how much could it be you?
[ it doesn't surprise that they all chose that, knowing how all four of them behave. ]
If you all didn't choose it, the guilt you'd feel would be worse.
[ Siffrin looks away at that, because in part it should be true. Blame what brought them there in the first place. Blame what forced them to come to that only choice they had. But.. Siffrin can't really bring themselves to. There's something about those memories they attach so strongly to. Because they can remember them from time to time.
But to explain that.. seems difficult. So they don't, remaining quiet instead. They curl up a bit, pulling up their legs to hug them, settle a cheek against their knees and stare distantly out. ]
I wouldn't want to live with that kind of guilt.
[ But there's no looping back, no redoing any mistakes, it makes every single their decision here final and that is.. hard to get used to. ]
[ If there's any signs of pain, they don't show it, they might flinch very briefly from the surprise they tend to have but before she can think otherwise he does lean into her hug. It's okay. They need this more than they'll ever be able to say it, touchstarved as they are. ]
..I didn't remember anyone from here, while I was there, but.. you were there at the end of it.
[ So technically, it was because of her that he took that step, reaching for her hand. So to hear these words now... he closes their eye, breathing out. Everything hurts but.. they are glad to be here. ]
[ It almost feels too much to say it's probably because she's become important to them. After everything she's said, done for them. It would be better to express that later, maybe when they're feeling more like themselves, in a gift of a flower. ]
You mentioned something you said before. About remembering me. [ It's quietly mumbled, maybe a bit embarrassed, or maybe they're just tired. But here in this hug it's warm. It feels safe. Tempted to close their eyes to rest.. but they can't. ] You held out your hand, and I.. took it.
[ That's all. But, maybe that's all they needed in that moment. ]
[ i forgive you this once... because i love you and ellie tears up
There's a brief moment where they still, unsure if they imagined that touch, cheeks warming and yeah their hat is off for now which makes it harder for them to hide. Tucking their face into their collar instead mmmrrrr. ]
..Sorry that it did. It must.. not feel good. [ But the words used are ones they don't want to forget. So it was.. nice to hear them again. Even if it would have ended up as their last. ]
[ Tucks themselves a little, emitting a quiet sound. They aren't sure if they can. But.. ]
I'll try. [ Except in this moment, they don't think about what tonight can bring, what news they might expect tomorrow. Too focused on staying awake. Stumble between memories. ]
[ Involuntarily, they shiver, but they don't move away from that contact. If anything, there's a clench in their chest, and the touchstarved aspect of them craves that touch.
The briefest of hesitation, leaning into it. ]
..It'll be fine. [ That is to say... ] I'll be okay.
[ A close of their eye, before they jolt just a little, as if remembering themselves. Right. Don't do that. ]
..It feels like I'm split between two very different lives. Memories. [ One of an entire life, built on another's memory, a life that is not their own. And the one that is full of holes and no sense of self to begin with. ] It's.. fine if I focus, though. I don't know if it's.. the same, or different for the others though.
[ Even if it wasn't, isn't the identity they were born with because they don't know who they were before it all, but this is at least something they are now. This half-life they have made after everything. Something put together with different pieces.
But in the end, that's who they are. Even if they aren't a completed person. ]
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Even though they are okay. If he can go through time loops, die again and again, something like an excursion that he went on... (...) ]
Oh. [ The grip tightens and their chest tightens in turn, their heart flutters and they tug a little at their collar to partly hide. Once they're in view, they can sit somewhere. There's probably some comfy seats. Siffrin is definitely not going for the cots. No more resting. ]
..It doesn't hurt that much. [ Softly, quietly. ]
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comfy seats is better than standing and escaping. she sits only when they do. ]
What doesn't?
[ the injuries? their feelings? ]
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The injuries don't. [ Unfortunately, out of habit, so used to their time looping, they simply think if they could die and reset it'd deal with the whole ordeal of having injuries but. Nope. Can't do that here.
Quietly, they glance across to the others in the distance. ] "Willing sacrifice for the unwilling sacrifice." Because someone was wrongly sacrificed some time before.. it caused some, problems to where we were. It's.. a bit complicated. We lived our lives there but.. we couldn't have, not really.
[ And yet, it feels like it at times. It wasn't the best kind of life growing, but they remember a life growing up. They remember who their parents were in this life. And found family elsewhere, in this group. ]
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for elysia, many of these thursday expeditions sound similar to a something that can happen back in her world. it doesn't take much to wrap her mind around, but it doesn't make it better to see people struggling and coming back in pain. ]
It's both your life and wasn't your life. If your memories are clear enough, I don't think you should forget what happened.
[ ... ]
You were made to take the brunt of that sacrifice's consquences?
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[ Because of it, they don't want to forget. Even if it's a life that's different, even if their connections to the people there are different than here... they still care about them. A lot. They've become family, in a way that's different. In a life that shouldn't have been real. That isn't.
Quietly, they take that inquiry, watching the others. ]
I wanted to. A lot of what was happening, I felt the most responsible for it. Because of - something that I created. [ A friend, as a maker. ] But they all wanted to take that sacrifice. At the same time, we each didn't want anyone doing it so..
[ Had to meet in a middle, to a sense. ]
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[ she has heard from all of them who's at most fault, and they all choose themselves. how does she disentangle this? ]
You compromised, and that's why all of you look like this.
[ injured and near death. ]
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[ And yet that forest was important to them. A friend. It isn't as if they regret creating it, but as its maker.. the damage done to it hurt two of them. Something they can't quite forgive themselves for even if they didn't have a choice in the life they led. Obviously they would have been the best choice to sacrifice. ]
..Yeah. There was.. no other choice. It had to be someone.
[ Sacrifice them all and not just one. The compromise. ]
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[ it doesn't surprise that they all chose that, knowing how all four of them behave. ]
If you all didn't choose it, the guilt you'd feel would be worse.
[ at least for whoever would be left. ]
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But to explain that.. seems difficult. So they don't, remaining quiet instead. They curl up a bit, pulling up their legs to hug them, settle a cheek against their knees and stare distantly out. ]
I wouldn't want to live with that kind of guilt.
[ But there's no looping back, no redoing any mistakes, it makes every single their decision here final and that is.. hard to get used to. ]
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I know, but you know, I still like you alive, and I'm glad you came back to me.
[ even if they aren't technically alive right now. ]
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..I didn't remember anyone from here, while I was there, but.. you were there at the end of it.
[ So technically, it was because of her that he took that step, reaching for her hand. So to hear these words now... he closes their eye, breathing out. Everything hurts but.. they are glad to be here. ]
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[ there's genuine surprise, but she doesn't break her hold. she keeps hugging them, especially after they lean into it. ]
What did I do?
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You mentioned something you said before. About remembering me. [ It's quietly mumbled, maybe a bit embarrassed, or maybe they're just tired. But here in this hug it's warm. It feels safe. Tempted to close their eyes to rest.. but they can't. ] You held out your hand, and I.. took it.
[ That's all. But, maybe that's all they needed in that moment. ]
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she smiles before she leans back a little to press a soft kiss to their forehead, whatever is visible if they're wearing their hat. ]
I'm happy you reached your hand back out to me. If it led you back, then I'll look away this place for using me like that just this once.
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There's a brief moment where they still, unsure if they imagined that touch, cheeks warming and yeah their hat is off for now which makes it harder for them to hide. Tucking their face into their collar instead mmmrrrr. ]
..Sorry that it did. It must.. not feel good. [ But the words used are ones they don't want to forget. So it was.. nice to hear them again. Even if it would have ended up as their last. ]
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It wouldn't be the first time. I don't mind, if it helped you. And it's not your fault.
Can you tell me it's not your fault?
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Oh. ...Um. [ (...) ] It's.. not my fault.
[ ..Believing that though is a different matter. ]
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[ when the effects are likely to wear off.... probably, is what she's thinking. ]
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I'll try. [ Except in this moment, they don't think about what tonight can bring, what news they might expect tomorrow. Too focused on staying awake. Stumble between memories. ]
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All I want is for you to try.
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The briefest of hesitation, leaning into it. ]
..It'll be fine. [ That is to say... ] I'll be okay.
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Sure. You will be okay, but it's fine if you aren't now. I just don't want you to lose yourself.
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..It feels like I'm split between two very different lives. Memories. [ One of an entire life, built on another's memory, a life that is not their own. And the one that is full of holes and no sense of self to begin with. ] It's.. fine if I focus, though. I don't know if it's.. the same, or different for the others though.
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[ whatever they choose that to be. ]
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[ Even if it wasn't, isn't the identity they were born with because they don't know who they were before it all, but this is at least something they are now. This half-life they have made after everything. Something put together with different pieces.
But in the end, that's who they are. Even if they aren't a completed person. ]
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