You all are trying so hard to the one most at fault when you should be blaming what made you all do this. If you didn't have a choice in it, how much could it be you?
[ it doesn't surprise that they all chose that, knowing how all four of them behave. ]
If you all didn't choose it, the guilt you'd feel would be worse.
[ Siffrin looks away at that, because in part it should be true. Blame what brought them there in the first place. Blame what forced them to come to that only choice they had. But.. Siffrin can't really bring themselves to. There's something about those memories they attach so strongly to. Because they can remember them from time to time.
But to explain that.. seems difficult. So they don't, remaining quiet instead. They curl up a bit, pulling up their legs to hug them, settle a cheek against their knees and stare distantly out. ]
I wouldn't want to live with that kind of guilt.
[ But there's no looping back, no redoing any mistakes, it makes every single their decision here final and that is.. hard to get used to. ]
[ If there's any signs of pain, they don't show it, they might flinch very briefly from the surprise they tend to have but before she can think otherwise he does lean into her hug. It's okay. They need this more than they'll ever be able to say it, touchstarved as they are. ]
..I didn't remember anyone from here, while I was there, but.. you were there at the end of it.
[ So technically, it was because of her that he took that step, reaching for her hand. So to hear these words now... he closes their eye, breathing out. Everything hurts but.. they are glad to be here. ]
[ It almost feels too much to say it's probably because she's become important to them. After everything she's said, done for them. It would be better to express that later, maybe when they're feeling more like themselves, in a gift of a flower. ]
You mentioned something you said before. About remembering me. [ It's quietly mumbled, maybe a bit embarrassed, or maybe they're just tired. But here in this hug it's warm. It feels safe. Tempted to close their eyes to rest.. but they can't. ] You held out your hand, and I.. took it.
[ That's all. But, maybe that's all they needed in that moment. ]
[ i forgive you this once... because i love you and ellie tears up
There's a brief moment where they still, unsure if they imagined that touch, cheeks warming and yeah their hat is off for now which makes it harder for them to hide. Tucking their face into their collar instead mmmrrrr. ]
..Sorry that it did. It must.. not feel good. [ But the words used are ones they don't want to forget. So it was.. nice to hear them again. Even if it would have ended up as their last. ]
[ Tucks themselves a little, emitting a quiet sound. They aren't sure if they can. But.. ]
I'll try. [ Except in this moment, they don't think about what tonight can bring, what news they might expect tomorrow. Too focused on staying awake. Stumble between memories. ]
[ Involuntarily, they shiver, but they don't move away from that contact. If anything, there's a clench in their chest, and the touchstarved aspect of them craves that touch.
The briefest of hesitation, leaning into it. ]
..It'll be fine. [ That is to say... ] I'll be okay.
[ A close of their eye, before they jolt just a little, as if remembering themselves. Right. Don't do that. ]
..It feels like I'm split between two very different lives. Memories. [ One of an entire life, built on another's memory, a life that is not their own. And the one that is full of holes and no sense of self to begin with. ] It's.. fine if I focus, though. I don't know if it's.. the same, or different for the others though.
[ Even if it wasn't, isn't the identity they were born with because they don't know who they were before it all, but this is at least something they are now. This half-life they have made after everything. Something put together with different pieces.
But in the end, that's who they are. Even if they aren't a completed person. ]
[ siffrin is a complete person to elysia even if there are things missing, even if things are forgotten. even if everything isn't filled in doesn't mean you aren't whole. ]
[ A return of her name, even though it is the nickname she prefers from friends. Nicknames. Distantly, they can hear a different set of voices, "Sif" from one, "Frin" from another, "Siff" from another but here.
It's still hard to wrap their head around. That anyone would care and see them as a friend, they aren't much of anything. Just something that exists in pieces. But the idea of being recorded.. (Would that even be enough?) It's a nice thought. One that has them hiding their face at, sorry. ]
[ she hugs them, her embrace as gentle as she can make it.
even if all they are are pieces, the pieces make up someone she loves dearly, and how could elysia not want to keep everything she knows of them with her?
[ For a moment they tense, uncertain, unsure, not because of their injuries - but because part of them wants so desperately this connection, even as arms hesitate to wrap around. As if unsure if it's okay.
Uncertain as they tuck their face against her shoulder, after everything will they remember this? Later, after they can convince and reassure that they're fine, would they still be hugged? Like they're important? Like they're something?
They release a quiet breath. And if this is a dream, they'd like to stay asleep just a bit longer. ]
[ It's hard to miss the way they freeze at that, to hear those words uttered so freely. The way it makes their heart do a silly little flutter, confused and.. almost disbelieving. Siffrin doesn't deserve it though. A love like hers.. there are so many other people who could deserve it more. If even a little.
How nice and warm it must be. Gently cradled by such words. But from them, who is too afraid to say such words out loud, afraid to make them real - afraid to even so much as whisper and end up with nothing.
Quietly, they sink a little, their expression twisting to something that doesn't believe that. How could anyone love someone that is barely a person? (Your friends, your family - they love you, don't they? You've seen it, haven't you?) Or.. is that too just wishful thinking. There's just the smallest of head shakes. ]
[ there are too many people who think they're undeserving of her love, and every time she fights tooth and nail to prove that they do. She may end up dying before she manages it, but her hope is that siffrin will someday believe in her love. ]
You don't have to accept it now, but if you could someday... that would make me happy.
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[ it doesn't surprise that they all chose that, knowing how all four of them behave. ]
If you all didn't choose it, the guilt you'd feel would be worse.
[ at least for whoever would be left. ]
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But to explain that.. seems difficult. So they don't, remaining quiet instead. They curl up a bit, pulling up their legs to hug them, settle a cheek against their knees and stare distantly out. ]
I wouldn't want to live with that kind of guilt.
[ But there's no looping back, no redoing any mistakes, it makes every single their decision here final and that is.. hard to get used to. ]
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I know, but you know, I still like you alive, and I'm glad you came back to me.
[ even if they aren't technically alive right now. ]
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..I didn't remember anyone from here, while I was there, but.. you were there at the end of it.
[ So technically, it was because of her that he took that step, reaching for her hand. So to hear these words now... he closes their eye, breathing out. Everything hurts but.. they are glad to be here. ]
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[ there's genuine surprise, but she doesn't break her hold. she keeps hugging them, especially after they lean into it. ]
What did I do?
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You mentioned something you said before. About remembering me. [ It's quietly mumbled, maybe a bit embarrassed, or maybe they're just tired. But here in this hug it's warm. It feels safe. Tempted to close their eyes to rest.. but they can't. ] You held out your hand, and I.. took it.
[ That's all. But, maybe that's all they needed in that moment. ]
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she smiles before she leans back a little to press a soft kiss to their forehead, whatever is visible if they're wearing their hat. ]
I'm happy you reached your hand back out to me. If it led you back, then I'll look away this place for using me like that just this once.
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There's a brief moment where they still, unsure if they imagined that touch, cheeks warming and yeah their hat is off for now which makes it harder for them to hide. Tucking their face into their collar instead mmmrrrr. ]
..Sorry that it did. It must.. not feel good. [ But the words used are ones they don't want to forget. So it was.. nice to hear them again. Even if it would have ended up as their last. ]
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It wouldn't be the first time. I don't mind, if it helped you. And it's not your fault.
Can you tell me it's not your fault?
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Oh. ...Um. [ (...) ] It's.. not my fault.
[ ..Believing that though is a different matter. ]
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[ when the effects are likely to wear off.... probably, is what she's thinking. ]
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I'll try. [ Except in this moment, they don't think about what tonight can bring, what news they might expect tomorrow. Too focused on staying awake. Stumble between memories. ]
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All I want is for you to try.
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The briefest of hesitation, leaning into it. ]
..It'll be fine. [ That is to say... ] I'll be okay.
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Sure. You will be okay, but it's fine if you aren't now. I just don't want you to lose yourself.
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..It feels like I'm split between two very different lives. Memories. [ One of an entire life, built on another's memory, a life that is not their own. And the one that is full of holes and no sense of self to begin with. ] It's.. fine if I focus, though. I don't know if it's.. the same, or different for the others though.
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[ whatever they choose that to be. ]
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[ Even if it wasn't, isn't the identity they were born with because they don't know who they were before it all, but this is at least something they are now. This half-life they have made after everything. Something put together with different pieces.
But in the end, that's who they are. Even if they aren't a completed person. ]
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[ siffrin is a complete person to elysia even if there are things missing, even if things are forgotten. even if everything isn't filled in doesn't mean you aren't whole. ]
Don't worry. You'll be recorded in my heart.
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[ A return of her name, even though it is the nickname she prefers from friends. Nicknames. Distantly, they can hear a different set of voices, "Sif" from one, "Frin" from another, "Siff" from another but here.
It's still hard to wrap their head around. That anyone would care and see them as a friend, they aren't much of anything. Just something that exists in pieces. But the idea of being recorded.. (Would that even be enough?) It's a nice thought. One that has them hiding their face at, sorry. ]
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even if all they are are pieces, the pieces make up someone she loves dearly, and how could elysia not want to keep everything she knows of them with her?
how could she do anything else? ]
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Uncertain as they tuck their face against her shoulder, after everything will they remember this? Later, after they can convince and reassure that they're fine, would they still be hugged? Like they're important? Like they're something?
They release a quiet breath. And if this is a dream, they'd like to stay asleep just a bit longer. ]
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I love you, Siffrin. If there's something else I want you to remember, it's that.
[ that they're someone she will embrace and think is important and that they're more than just anything, more than just something.
they're siffrin. ]
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How nice and warm it must be. Gently cradled by such words. But from them, who is too afraid to say such words out loud, afraid to make them real - afraid to even so much as whisper and end up with nothing.
Quietly, they sink a little, their expression twisting to something that doesn't believe that. How could anyone love someone that is barely a person? (Your friends, your family - they love you, don't they? You've seen it, haven't you?) Or.. is that too just wishful thinking. There's just the smallest of head shakes. ]
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You don't have to accept it now, but if you could someday... that would make me happy.