[ she won't protest if they want to keep hugging closely or if they want to pull away, but her hold remains constant. she will reflect whatever they do. if they pull away a little, so will she, but she won't let go. ]
Do you think you remember more or less now?
[ with every new memory from being here in heaven. ]
Ah, no.. never really.. thought about changing my appearance. Not until the loops. [ When you have all that time, may as well humor it, right? ] But.. thinking on it now, I probably wouldn't. One of my friends has used it though. Knows more about it.
[ (who i am, it's all that's left) Of their country, of where they're from.. so, they can deal with this meat suit for now. Their nerves dance a little, the feeling like a small bird fluttering. But they keep their arms gently around, hands settling but it's shy, timid. Like they aren't quite used to it. Know what to do. Even if they glance to her face. ]
..A bit of both? I've.. gotten a lot of memories out of this place but. I still end up forgetting them.
[ Forgetting names. Forgetting moments that have happened, even forgetting a previous trial, once. ] But it's okay. My time with my friends before Heaven, and some of the people I've met here.. I could say it's probably the happiest I do remember being.
[ Even if there has been a lot of down and horrible moments, too. ]
No? Well, I think you're perfectly cute the way you are now.
[ she does hope and wish for more for them, though. for their self-worth to grow, for their memory to be more, for them to lose less. she presses a light kiss to the top of their head, a small wish for them.
her feelings flicker when they admit to keep forgetting. her expression softens. ]
As long as you can hold onto that happiness, I'll also be happy. Don't let go of it, okay?
[ even if there have been so many horrible moments. ]
[ Again, Siffrin never knows what to do with compliments like that. But that embarrassment is quickly snuffed, turning to fluster when the kiss presses to their head and. Try not to think of how that yearn of touch, that bubbling affection isn't clear coming from them. Wishing for more of that affection.
Focus instead on her expression, how soothing her company is, the understanding and softness of it. A small breath in, and out. Peering at her and.. it's silly of them. To feel this way. Compared to Elysia, who is so warm, bright and grand like the sun.. they're but a small tiny flickering light of a star. ]
I'll try not to.
[ Said as a promise but... they can't readily say that out loud. Making promises when they can so easily forget that happiness seems cruel. ] ..Are you happier, being on this side again?
[ elysia always like it when someone is flustered by her. there's a sliver of amusement that's threaded with fondness. she has so much affection for those who want it, for those that crave it, for anyone that needs it.
she wants so much for people to be loved. ]
Trying is a good place to start.
[ it's wisdom to have that kind of self-awareness, and elysia hates broken promises. ]
Yeah. I'm happy to see people I've missed again. I think it's better for everyone that we're all together again.
[ me grits teeth there's always a bit of height difference why is siffrin so small.
well, despite that, Siffrin will gently try to press their foreheads together. Craving that bit of affection, connection, because people often mistake that Siffrin wants or needs space and freedom. When the reality is that they want connection, permanence, to be close with someone. And that feeling is strongly felt here.
Especially when Elysia is often someone that offers that, the love and connection. Even as their gaze lowers just a little to peer to her warm smiles, humoring a small thought. What if.. what if. Oh, they almost forgot to answer - ]
..Definitely a lot better for some especially that need it. [ Tries not to think of.. someone in particular. Their nerves show a little in the way their fingers curl a little, but staying their hand from being too greedy. Too clingy, Siffrin. ]
... [ Something lingers on their mind, but the thoughts don't come through. However, the ache, the loneliness and miss before even the day comes is already beginning. ] At least... there's still the rest of the week, right?
[ that's what makes them so cute let them be small
elysia smiles when their foreheads touch, happy for any physical affection they choose to initiate. it's a change for the positive in her mind, ever since she found how much siffrin craved connection. remembrance.
she reaches for one of their hands to gently hold. ]
People like to be with the people they love. It's only natural.
[ it's true for her, too. she likes to be surrounded by the people she loves. her smile becomes softer, sweeter. ]
We'll all have to make the most of the week that's left.
[ Elysia's smile gives that silly flutter in their chest, quietly contented for it themselves. Giving in a little to that crave. Especially when their hands hold and they gingerly, carefully lace their fingers together. Me like what if a little reflection nearby played a silly little clip. Not that Siffrin will register it, as preoccupied and focus on Elysia as they are. Despite the nervous, they're actually more settled with her touch.
But they listen closely to her words, quiet, gliding a thumb to brush over fingers before.. slowly, ]
Have you yet? Been with.. the people you love?
[ It's said curiously, keeping their foreheads pressed lest their nerves get the better of them and they shy completely away. But she was the one that reached out for their hand, that initiated and that does.. make everything all the better. ]
..Can I spend that time with you? [ Their gaze quickly flicks down. ] I want to remember everything I can of you.
[ she catches that. is it so silly when siffrin is going through it? it only reaffirms how physically affectionate she can be. ]
Of course. That's how I always try to be. I always try to be with the people I love. That includes you.
[ she watches them as much as she can from where their foreheads are pressed together, lets them get as comfortable and settled with her touch. ]
You can spend as much time with me as you want. [ there's a warmth that flutters and blossoms when they say they want to remember everything they can about her, a purity to the emotion. ] I'd like it a lot if you could, if you could hold onto your memories of me.
[ Never doubt how much they actually want such affection. ]
Me? [ Quiet, thinking, the quiet bubble of those thoughts, (general love, not the same) But.. that's fine, isn't it? It's nice to be loved regardless. Even if the affection and quiet budding love is different from them. ] ..It's the same. For me too, El.
[ The attempt WAS to say it a bit more directly but. Nope. Chickened out. Too embarrassing!! How is it so easy for Elysia and Yves to say those words? And yet here Siffrin struggles enough just facing it. Speaking of face, their own flushes darker, and they are debating just hiding their face now. Hmmmmppffffhhh. (crushes feel like a disease) ]
I will. [ Said a bit too quickly. They pause, shrinking a little. But it is still so genuine. Wanting to grasp and hold on so desperately to these precious memories. ] ..I want to hold onto all of them. Every single one.
[ this time, she won't address their thoughts. this is the kind of thing she will respect because it should be something they want to say with their own will and their own direction. she won't take that away from them, at least. she won't push, no matter how she feels about it.
she nods, even if their foreheads are still touching. ]
Turn your wants into reality, okay? Or at least start wanting to try to.
[ they can do more than yearn. she knows they can. ]
Your memories may fade in and out now. [ although she doesn't know why or how they do. ] But if you can keep the ones you want... and even if the ones you don't want, you'll be lovelier.
[ Turn their wants into reality... For a moment, they think on it, which fortunately keeps quiet this time. Thinking more on it and.. slowly, quietly ]
..Is it okay? [ Testing the waters, just a little. Trying to curb that yearning. Even as their free hand draws back to gently curl some of her hair over a finger, gently nudging it back. Bits of affection bleeding through. ] To want to?
[ There's only the smallest bit of fear there. Only if because, if they make their want into reality, they're afraid to want more. Even if they refuse for themselves to get that selfish and greedy. But also, afraid of the negative results of it. ]
To see it as lovelier, that's very you, El. [ Said fondly, even if they think otherwise. ] If anything, I think.. it will give me some strength, moving forward. For when I return back to my loops.
[ A small nod, debating on it some more, actually probably looking even more hesitant because of her words but. Something like change.. it might not change anything. Would that be more ideal? ..Probably. After all, they're used to nothing ever changing. The feeling of stagnant comes through. Siffrin normally sticks to the script. Never branches out. But there's a coil of boldness they aren't really used to feeling ever. ]
I don't really think most things will end happily. [ Based on their tone, they mean for themselves. That's them being honest. There's so many... things to consider. And ultimately, won't end well at the end of it. But maybe they can want, and try, in this moment? ] But that's okay. I think that..
[ For this in particular. They should ask? The question of loops come through and they nod at it, but they definitely.. seem.. distracted..
S-Sorry, that is, I just didn't want to do it.. without.. asking.. [ The emotions are FRAZZLED. Small blips of panic, like a heart that is beating way too fast, nerves high, and even though their hand with hers loosen the other pulls back with a quick wave. Even as bold as they are to ask, no they're afraid of ruining things. ]
..I.. don't even know why I asked - [ This is a lie, based on that bubbling yearning, want, affection and a tamer budding love. There are no expectations, because after everything that's happened? Idiot, stupid, why did they blurt that out loud - tugs a little at their hat.
There's suddenly a smell of burnt sugar in the air. Wouldn't it be funny if time rewound right at this moment? Would probably be good, save them from this embarrassment. ]
[ don't timeloop, siffrin. it's both a surprise, and it isn't. from their thoughts and their feelings, elysia isn't so oblivious, and she did encourage them to want, but she didn't expect them to ask this in particular.
she's quiet for a moment, as she thinks about how to answer this. she holds a great deal of affection for siffrin. she loves them, sincerely and truly, but for anyone who'd want or ask this from her, she has to be careful of how she answers, no matter how she does or doesn't feel.
her emotions are a complicated swirl. she is happy for siffrin's boldness. she wants that from them because any time they try to break from the script is a good thing in her mind. it's a change for the positive, but... ]
Thank you for asking, Sif. If that's what you want... I want you to have it. [ the smell of burnt sugar is worrying. ] But I don't know if I can promise you anything after.
[ Despite the change in their script, it's that fear, a budding regret, because it leaves that sickening smell of burnt sugar. Anytime something bad is about to happen, it's usually there, isn't it? So as she remains quiet, gingerly, carefully they untangle their hand from hers. Just so it isn't entirely laced together, in a grip that's too needy or clingy. It isn't Elysia's fault. It's their own reminder of everything. Even when the words come, gently, softly - that bit of happy from her but they know it's more than that. And even with that answer, they are second-guessing themselves.
Maybe it would've been better to not have asked. Could they go back before that? Ignore that want, that wish for something for themselves different for a change, and just answer her question about the loops and do anything that wasn't this. But, there's no aching pain or anything at that final comment. No, there's only a shake of their head, a heavy acceptance with it. A smile shows, that always come so easily. ]
It's okay, El. You don't need to promise me anything. [ These feelings they have, felt before, they always knew nothing would come of them. It's precisely why they feel like a disease. It would be more regretful if something was there in return. Deserving so much better. Siffrin is but a flickering light in that night sky, glow so subtle. ] I already knew.
[ Not really. It's just what they convinced themselves from the start. There's a bit of guilt, for putting her in this situation. Instead, they raise her hand and gently kiss her knuckles. This is enough. Ignoring that little tug in their stomach. ] This has always been enough.
[ it's the distancing that always hurts elysia, even if it's unfair of her to feel that way, when she's the one who said she can't promise anything.
(but she can't promise anyone anything. she shouldn't.)
as much as siffrin is someone who craves the touch, the affection, the connection, elysia can't help but want to be with the people she loves, always. always, always, always, but she has never had always, even for her thousands of years.
it's that conflict of emotion that has her grabbing their hands. she does not like that smile of theirs they use when they say they're fine but never are. she can't stand it. ]
You shouldn't— [ ... ] I.... [ she takes in a small breath. ]
Please don't regret your feelings or trying. Please. You are not the problem.
[ The grab of their hands do startle them a little, their smile stuttering and they feel their breath hitch. Because they don't know what to do in this scenario. The script already played out differently in Siffrin's mind after all. Whether a rewind, take it all back, or a move on to be forgotten in the stretch of time. But her words give them pause, their eye watching her, the small intake of breath and their heart
sinks. It sinks. And part of them wants to know why, why she thinks that. A falter in that moment that allow that grip on their hand but, one gently pulls itself free. But not too far away, not at all, it comes to gently cup her cheek and their foreheads meet together again despite their earlier beginning backpedaling.
A small breath in, and out. It's okay. If just this once.. he tilts his face, gently kissing her. A share of affection, fond for her. Pulling back after, ignoring the way their heart hammers, and that swimming loneliness that churns in their own chest. ]
..Neither are you. [ If that's the implication here. If Siffrin cannot be the problem, then.. they don't want to hear that she is. When there are so many reasons. The Universe, for one. If things like fate exist out there. Those loops awaiting their immediate return. ] ..I don't think I could..
[ (ever really regret how i feel) when it's brought them so much comforting warmth, through letters after letter since her departure before. ]
[ the kiss does take her by surprise, after siffrin retreated the first time, but something about it also makes her feelings settle. siffrin is so sweet, too sweet sometimes.
she closes her eyes. she shakes her head and opens her eyes. her lips curive into a small smile, grateful most of all. ]
Thank you, Siffrin. [ she pulls back a little, but her hold on their hands is still sure, even if it is a bit looser. she doesn't want to seem like she's forcing anything, one way or another. ]
I don't want you to regret anything. When you told me you wanted to remember everything you could of me, it made me unreasonably happy. I thought... you could come to understand me.
I do love you, Siffrin, but it may not be in the same way as you.
You don't have to say anything more, but I don't like leaving things unsaid.
[ Siffrin lets her pull back, ready to let go if that's what she wants, ever in their mind that they're asking for too much. To needy. Too clingy. Forcing people in situations where they feel they have to love them and it's.. it really eats at them. Sharper than any blade. But they keep their lid on, to not spill those emotions over. Holding onto this loose hold with that same thought in mind, if she wants to let go that's fine. Even if they want nothing more than to hold on.
Even as they listen, when she comes to say they don't need to say anything more.. they still keep their gaze fixed down. ]
..It's alright. I didn't really... [ Expect anything. Go into this with expectations. How they even came to share their feelings is a bit out of their control, the confidence to, because otherwise they would have kept it inside and left it that way. But with it said.. it's one of those, better to have said than not at all instances. Not really searching for results. ]
But, even now, I still do want to remember everything about you.
[ If there was more time, would they have been able to understand her fully? Or have they lost too much of themselves to be able to? Falling into their thoughts, they grow quiet again. ]
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no subject
[ she won't protest if they want to keep hugging closely or if they want to pull away, but her hold remains constant. she will reflect whatever they do. if they pull away a little, so will she, but she won't let go. ]
Do you think you remember more or less now?
[ with every new memory from being here in heaven. ]
no subject
[ (who i am, it's all that's left) Of their country, of where they're from.. so, they can deal with this meat suit for now. Their nerves dance a little, the feeling like a small bird fluttering. But they keep their arms gently around, hands settling but it's shy, timid. Like they aren't quite used to it. Know what to do. Even if they glance to her face. ]
..A bit of both? I've.. gotten a lot of memories out of this place but. I still end up forgetting them.
[ Forgetting names. Forgetting moments that have happened, even forgetting a previous trial, once. ] But it's okay. My time with my friends before Heaven, and some of the people I've met here.. I could say it's probably the happiest I do remember being.
[ Even if there has been a lot of down and horrible moments, too. ]
no subject
[ she does hope and wish for more for them, though. for their self-worth to grow, for their memory to be more, for them to lose less. she presses a light kiss to the top of their head, a small wish for them.
her feelings flicker when they admit to keep forgetting. her expression softens. ]
As long as you can hold onto that happiness, I'll also be happy. Don't let go of it, okay?
[ even if there have been so many horrible moments. ]
no subject
[ Again, Siffrin never knows what to do with compliments like that. But that embarrassment is quickly snuffed, turning to fluster when the kiss presses to their head and. Try not to think of how that yearn of touch, that bubbling affection isn't clear coming from them. Wishing for more of that affection.
Focus instead on her expression, how soothing her company is, the understanding and softness of it. A small breath in, and out. Peering at her and.. it's silly of them. To feel this way. Compared to Elysia, who is so warm, bright and grand like the sun.. they're but a small tiny flickering light of a star. ]
I'll try not to.
[ Said as a promise but... they can't readily say that out loud. Making promises when they can so easily forget that happiness seems cruel. ] ..Are you happier, being on this side again?
no subject
she wants so much for people to be loved. ]
Trying is a good place to start.
[ it's wisdom to have that kind of self-awareness, and elysia hates broken promises. ]
Yeah. I'm happy to see people I've missed again. I think it's better for everyone that we're all together again.
[ it does a lot for morale. ]
no subject
well, despite that, Siffrin will gently try to press their foreheads together. Craving that bit of affection, connection, because people often mistake that Siffrin wants or needs space and freedom. When the reality is that they want connection, permanence, to be close with someone. And that feeling is strongly felt here.
Especially when Elysia is often someone that offers that, the love and connection. Even as their gaze lowers just a little to peer to her warm smiles, humoring a small thought. What if.. what if. Oh, they almost forgot to answer - ]
..Definitely a lot better for some especially that need it. [ Tries not to think of.. someone in particular. Their nerves show a little in the way their fingers curl a little, but staying their hand from being too greedy. Too clingy, Siffrin. ]
... [ Something lingers on their mind, but the thoughts don't come through. However, the ache, the loneliness and miss before even the day comes is already beginning. ] At least... there's still the rest of the week, right?
no subject
elysia smiles when their foreheads touch, happy for any physical affection they choose to initiate. it's a change for the positive in her mind, ever since she found how much siffrin craved connection. remembrance.
she reaches for one of their hands to gently hold. ]
People like to be with the people they love. It's only natural.
[ it's true for her, too. she likes to be surrounded by the people she loves. her smile becomes softer, sweeter. ]
We'll all have to make the most of the week that's left.
no subject
But they listen closely to her words, quiet, gliding a thumb to brush over fingers before.. slowly, ]
Have you yet? Been with.. the people you love?
[ It's said curiously, keeping their foreheads pressed lest their nerves get the better of them and they shy completely away. But she was the one that reached out for their hand, that initiated and that does.. make everything all the better. ]
..Can I spend that time with you? [ Their gaze quickly flicks down. ] I want to remember everything I can of you.
no subject
Of course. That's how I always try to be. I always try to be with the people I love. That includes you.
[ she watches them as much as she can from where their foreheads are pressed together, lets them get as comfortable and settled with her touch. ]
You can spend as much time with me as you want. [ there's a warmth that flutters and blossoms when they say they want to remember everything they can about her, a purity to the emotion. ] I'd like it a lot if you could, if you could hold onto your memories of me.
no subject
Me? [ Quiet, thinking, the quiet bubble of those thoughts, (general love, not the same) But.. that's fine, isn't it? It's nice to be loved regardless. Even if the affection and quiet budding love is different from them. ] ..It's the same. For me too, El.
[ The attempt WAS to say it a bit more directly but. Nope. Chickened out. Too embarrassing!! How is it so easy for Elysia and Yves to say those words? And yet here Siffrin struggles enough just facing it. Speaking of face, their own flushes darker, and they are debating just hiding their face now. Hmmmmppffffhhh. (crushes feel like a disease) ]
I will. [ Said a bit too quickly. They pause, shrinking a little. But it is still so genuine. Wanting to grasp and hold on so desperately to these precious memories. ] ..I want to hold onto all of them. Every single one.
no subject
she nods, even if their foreheads are still touching. ]
Turn your wants into reality, okay? Or at least start wanting to try to.
[ they can do more than yearn. she knows they can. ]
Your memories may fade in and out now. [ although she doesn't know why or how they do. ] But if you can keep the ones you want... and even if the ones you don't want, you'll be lovelier.
no subject
..Is it okay? [ Testing the waters, just a little. Trying to curb that yearning. Even as their free hand draws back to gently curl some of her hair over a finger, gently nudging it back. Bits of affection bleeding through. ] To want to?
[ There's only the smallest bit of fear there. Only if because, if they make their want into reality, they're afraid to want more. Even if they refuse for themselves to get that selfish and greedy. But also, afraid of the negative results of it. ]
To see it as lovelier, that's very you, El. [ Said fondly, even if they think otherwise. ] If anything, I think.. it will give me some strength, moving forward. For when I return back to my loops.
no subject
[ she lets them do what they want with her hair. ]
I can't promise you it'll be easy or end happily, but I think it's always okay to want. It's how you act on them that matters.
[ the result matters, too, of course, but everything needs context. ]
Is strength not also something that can be lovely? [ ... ] Do you know what to do about your loops yet?
1/2
I don't really think most things will end happily. [ Based on their tone, they mean for themselves. That's them being honest. There's so many... things to consider. And ultimately, won't end well at the end of it. But maybe they can want, and try, in this moment? ] But that's okay. I think that..
[ For this in particular. They should ask? The question of loops come through and they nod at it, but they definitely.. seem.. distracted..
Before, ] ..El, can I - kiss you?
2/2
S-Sorry, that is, I just didn't want to do it.. without.. asking.. [ The emotions are FRAZZLED. Small blips of panic, like a heart that is beating way too fast, nerves high, and even though their hand with hers loosen the other pulls back with a quick wave. Even as bold as they are to ask, no they're afraid of ruining things. ]
..I.. don't even know why I asked - [ This is a lie, based on that bubbling yearning, want, affection and a tamer budding love. There are no expectations, because after everything that's happened? Idiot, stupid, why did they blurt that out loud - tugs a little at their hat.
There's suddenly a smell of burnt sugar in the air. Wouldn't it be funny if time rewound right at this moment? Would probably be good, save them from this embarrassment. ]
no subject
she's quiet for a moment, as she thinks about how to answer this. she holds a great deal of affection for siffrin. she loves them, sincerely and truly, but for anyone who'd want or ask this from her, she has to be careful of how she answers, no matter how she does or doesn't feel.
her emotions are a complicated swirl. she is happy for siffrin's boldness. she wants that from them because any time they try to break from the script is a good thing in her mind. it's a change for the positive, but... ]
Thank you for asking, Sif. If that's what you want... I want you to have it. [ the smell of burnt sugar is worrying. ] But I don't know if I can promise you anything after.
no subject
Maybe it would've been better to not have asked. Could they go back before that? Ignore that want, that wish for something for themselves different for a change, and just answer her question about the loops and do anything that wasn't this. But, there's no aching pain or anything at that final comment. No, there's only a shake of their head, a heavy acceptance with it. A smile shows, that always come so easily. ]
It's okay, El. You don't need to promise me anything. [ These feelings they have, felt before, they always knew nothing would come of them. It's precisely why they feel like a disease. It would be more regretful if something was there in return. Deserving so much better. Siffrin is but a flickering light in that night sky, glow so subtle. ] I already knew.
[ Not really. It's just what they convinced themselves from the start. There's a bit of guilt, for putting her in this situation. Instead, they raise her hand and gently kiss her knuckles. This is enough. Ignoring that little tug in their stomach. ] This has always been enough.
no subject
(but she can't promise anyone anything. she shouldn't.)
as much as siffrin is someone who craves the touch, the affection, the connection, elysia can't help but want to be with the people she loves, always. always, always, always, but she has never had always, even for her thousands of years.
it's that conflict of emotion that has her grabbing their hands. she does not like that smile of theirs they use when they say they're fine but never are. she can't stand it. ]
You shouldn't— [ ... ] I.... [ she takes in a small breath. ]
Please don't regret your feelings or trying. Please. You are not the problem.
no subject
sinks. It sinks. And part of them wants to know why, why she thinks that. A falter in that moment that allow that grip on their hand but, one gently pulls itself free. But not too far away, not at all, it comes to gently cup her cheek and their foreheads meet together again despite their earlier beginning backpedaling.
A small breath in, and out. It's okay. If just this once.. he tilts his face, gently kissing her. A share of affection, fond for her. Pulling back after, ignoring the way their heart hammers, and that swimming loneliness that churns in their own chest. ]
..Neither are you. [ If that's the implication here. If Siffrin cannot be the problem, then.. they don't want to hear that she is. When there are so many reasons. The Universe, for one. If things like fate exist out there. Those loops awaiting their immediate return. ] ..I don't think I could..
[ (ever really regret how i feel) when it's brought them so much comforting warmth, through letters after letter since her departure before. ]
no subject
she closes her eyes. she shakes her head and opens her eyes. her lips curive into a small smile, grateful most of all. ]
Thank you, Siffrin. [ she pulls back a little, but her hold on their hands is still sure, even if it is a bit looser. she doesn't want to seem like she's forcing anything, one way or another. ]
I don't want you to regret anything. When you told me you wanted to remember everything you could of me, it made me unreasonably happy. I thought... you could come to understand me.
I do love you, Siffrin, but it may not be in the same way as you.
You don't have to say anything more, but I don't like leaving things unsaid.
no subject
Even as they listen, when she comes to say they don't need to say anything more.. they still keep their gaze fixed down. ]
..It's alright. I didn't really... [ Expect anything. Go into this with expectations. How they even came to share their feelings is a bit out of their control, the confidence to, because otherwise they would have kept it inside and left it that way. But with it said.. it's one of those, better to have said than not at all instances. Not really searching for results. ]
But, even now, I still do want to remember everything about you.
[ If there was more time, would they have been able to understand her fully? Or have they lost too much of themselves to be able to? Falling into their thoughts, they grow quiet again. ]