[ don't timeloop, siffrin. it's both a surprise, and it isn't. from their thoughts and their feelings, elysia isn't so oblivious, and she did encourage them to want, but she didn't expect them to ask this in particular.
she's quiet for a moment, as she thinks about how to answer this. she holds a great deal of affection for siffrin. she loves them, sincerely and truly, but for anyone who'd want or ask this from her, she has to be careful of how she answers, no matter how she does or doesn't feel.
her emotions are a complicated swirl. she is happy for siffrin's boldness. she wants that from them because any time they try to break from the script is a good thing in her mind. it's a change for the positive, but... ]
Thank you for asking, Sif. If that's what you want... I want you to have it. [ the smell of burnt sugar is worrying. ] But I don't know if I can promise you anything after.
[ Despite the change in their script, it's that fear, a budding regret, because it leaves that sickening smell of burnt sugar. Anytime something bad is about to happen, it's usually there, isn't it? So as she remains quiet, gingerly, carefully they untangle their hand from hers. Just so it isn't entirely laced together, in a grip that's too needy or clingy. It isn't Elysia's fault. It's their own reminder of everything. Even when the words come, gently, softly - that bit of happy from her but they know it's more than that. And even with that answer, they are second-guessing themselves.
Maybe it would've been better to not have asked. Could they go back before that? Ignore that want, that wish for something for themselves different for a change, and just answer her question about the loops and do anything that wasn't this. But, there's no aching pain or anything at that final comment. No, there's only a shake of their head, a heavy acceptance with it. A smile shows, that always come so easily. ]
It's okay, El. You don't need to promise me anything. [ These feelings they have, felt before, they always knew nothing would come of them. It's precisely why they feel like a disease. It would be more regretful if something was there in return. Deserving so much better. Siffrin is but a flickering light in that night sky, glow so subtle. ] I already knew.
[ Not really. It's just what they convinced themselves from the start. There's a bit of guilt, for putting her in this situation. Instead, they raise her hand and gently kiss her knuckles. This is enough. Ignoring that little tug in their stomach. ] This has always been enough.
[ it's the distancing that always hurts elysia, even if it's unfair of her to feel that way, when she's the one who said she can't promise anything.
(but she can't promise anyone anything. she shouldn't.)
as much as siffrin is someone who craves the touch, the affection, the connection, elysia can't help but want to be with the people she loves, always. always, always, always, but she has never had always, even for her thousands of years.
it's that conflict of emotion that has her grabbing their hands. she does not like that smile of theirs they use when they say they're fine but never are. she can't stand it. ]
You shouldn't— [ ... ] I.... [ she takes in a small breath. ]
Please don't regret your feelings or trying. Please. You are not the problem.
[ The grab of their hands do startle them a little, their smile stuttering and they feel their breath hitch. Because they don't know what to do in this scenario. The script already played out differently in Siffrin's mind after all. Whether a rewind, take it all back, or a move on to be forgotten in the stretch of time. But her words give them pause, their eye watching her, the small intake of breath and their heart
sinks. It sinks. And part of them wants to know why, why she thinks that. A falter in that moment that allow that grip on their hand but, one gently pulls itself free. But not too far away, not at all, it comes to gently cup her cheek and their foreheads meet together again despite their earlier beginning backpedaling.
A small breath in, and out. It's okay. If just this once.. he tilts his face, gently kissing her. A share of affection, fond for her. Pulling back after, ignoring the way their heart hammers, and that swimming loneliness that churns in their own chest. ]
..Neither are you. [ If that's the implication here. If Siffrin cannot be the problem, then.. they don't want to hear that she is. When there are so many reasons. The Universe, for one. If things like fate exist out there. Those loops awaiting their immediate return. ] ..I don't think I could..
[ (ever really regret how i feel) when it's brought them so much comforting warmth, through letters after letter since her departure before. ]
[ the kiss does take her by surprise, after siffrin retreated the first time, but something about it also makes her feelings settle. siffrin is so sweet, too sweet sometimes.
she closes her eyes. she shakes her head and opens her eyes. her lips curive into a small smile, grateful most of all. ]
Thank you, Siffrin. [ she pulls back a little, but her hold on their hands is still sure, even if it is a bit looser. she doesn't want to seem like she's forcing anything, one way or another. ]
I don't want you to regret anything. When you told me you wanted to remember everything you could of me, it made me unreasonably happy. I thought... you could come to understand me.
I do love you, Siffrin, but it may not be in the same way as you.
You don't have to say anything more, but I don't like leaving things unsaid.
[ Siffrin lets her pull back, ready to let go if that's what she wants, ever in their mind that they're asking for too much. To needy. Too clingy. Forcing people in situations where they feel they have to love them and it's.. it really eats at them. Sharper than any blade. But they keep their lid on, to not spill those emotions over. Holding onto this loose hold with that same thought in mind, if she wants to let go that's fine. Even if they want nothing more than to hold on.
Even as they listen, when she comes to say they don't need to say anything more.. they still keep their gaze fixed down. ]
..It's alright. I didn't really... [ Expect anything. Go into this with expectations. How they even came to share their feelings is a bit out of their control, the confidence to, because otherwise they would have kept it inside and left it that way. But with it said.. it's one of those, better to have said than not at all instances. Not really searching for results. ]
But, even now, I still do want to remember everything about you.
[ If there was more time, would they have been able to understand her fully? Or have they lost too much of themselves to be able to? Falling into their thoughts, they grow quiet again. ]
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no subject
she's quiet for a moment, as she thinks about how to answer this. she holds a great deal of affection for siffrin. she loves them, sincerely and truly, but for anyone who'd want or ask this from her, she has to be careful of how she answers, no matter how she does or doesn't feel.
her emotions are a complicated swirl. she is happy for siffrin's boldness. she wants that from them because any time they try to break from the script is a good thing in her mind. it's a change for the positive, but... ]
Thank you for asking, Sif. If that's what you want... I want you to have it. [ the smell of burnt sugar is worrying. ] But I don't know if I can promise you anything after.
no subject
Maybe it would've been better to not have asked. Could they go back before that? Ignore that want, that wish for something for themselves different for a change, and just answer her question about the loops and do anything that wasn't this. But, there's no aching pain or anything at that final comment. No, there's only a shake of their head, a heavy acceptance with it. A smile shows, that always come so easily. ]
It's okay, El. You don't need to promise me anything. [ These feelings they have, felt before, they always knew nothing would come of them. It's precisely why they feel like a disease. It would be more regretful if something was there in return. Deserving so much better. Siffrin is but a flickering light in that night sky, glow so subtle. ] I already knew.
[ Not really. It's just what they convinced themselves from the start. There's a bit of guilt, for putting her in this situation. Instead, they raise her hand and gently kiss her knuckles. This is enough. Ignoring that little tug in their stomach. ] This has always been enough.
no subject
(but she can't promise anyone anything. she shouldn't.)
as much as siffrin is someone who craves the touch, the affection, the connection, elysia can't help but want to be with the people she loves, always. always, always, always, but she has never had always, even for her thousands of years.
it's that conflict of emotion that has her grabbing their hands. she does not like that smile of theirs they use when they say they're fine but never are. she can't stand it. ]
You shouldn't— [ ... ] I.... [ she takes in a small breath. ]
Please don't regret your feelings or trying. Please. You are not the problem.
no subject
sinks. It sinks. And part of them wants to know why, why she thinks that. A falter in that moment that allow that grip on their hand but, one gently pulls itself free. But not too far away, not at all, it comes to gently cup her cheek and their foreheads meet together again despite their earlier beginning backpedaling.
A small breath in, and out. It's okay. If just this once.. he tilts his face, gently kissing her. A share of affection, fond for her. Pulling back after, ignoring the way their heart hammers, and that swimming loneliness that churns in their own chest. ]
..Neither are you. [ If that's the implication here. If Siffrin cannot be the problem, then.. they don't want to hear that she is. When there are so many reasons. The Universe, for one. If things like fate exist out there. Those loops awaiting their immediate return. ] ..I don't think I could..
[ (ever really regret how i feel) when it's brought them so much comforting warmth, through letters after letter since her departure before. ]
no subject
she closes her eyes. she shakes her head and opens her eyes. her lips curive into a small smile, grateful most of all. ]
Thank you, Siffrin. [ she pulls back a little, but her hold on their hands is still sure, even if it is a bit looser. she doesn't want to seem like she's forcing anything, one way or another. ]
I don't want you to regret anything. When you told me you wanted to remember everything you could of me, it made me unreasonably happy. I thought... you could come to understand me.
I do love you, Siffrin, but it may not be in the same way as you.
You don't have to say anything more, but I don't like leaving things unsaid.
no subject
Even as they listen, when she comes to say they don't need to say anything more.. they still keep their gaze fixed down. ]
..It's alright. I didn't really... [ Expect anything. Go into this with expectations. How they even came to share their feelings is a bit out of their control, the confidence to, because otherwise they would have kept it inside and left it that way. But with it said.. it's one of those, better to have said than not at all instances. Not really searching for results. ]
But, even now, I still do want to remember everything about you.
[ If there was more time, would they have been able to understand her fully? Or have they lost too much of themselves to be able to? Falling into their thoughts, they grow quiet again. ]