[ They grip back, easily, and readily. Shoulders easing with that reach to them. ]
You know me, I'm fine.
[ ..Ah. A quick shake of their head, smiling still. There's an appreciative look there even if it's complicated. ]
It's okay. With some of your situations back home.. I get it. It's an answer for you guys. And a good one at that. [ And they mean that. They really do. ] ..Thanks, Vee. But I'll be okay.
[ Even if their brows furrow a little, a little slip in their act, unexpected as the news is. ]
[ A silence fills, peering down where they walk, and they probably go quiet for too long. ..A breath in, out. ]
..It's.. technically also an answer for me. It means I could just.. go where I'm.. not looping in time but. [ Their hand grips a bit tighter, breathing in. ]
I can't do that. [ It's the easiest escape. It would be right there. ] If I do, that's.. basically leaving my friends to die and I can't - and..
[ And yet. And yet and yet and yet. For a moment. They considered it, and the guilt for that is disgusting. ]
[ . . . he listens quietly, and he lets his thumb brush against the back of siff's hand, thoughtful. ]
... I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting less pain.
[ softly ]
You don't need to make any decision, and I think... it sounds like you already know what you want. [ to be with their friends ] But... you shouldn't feel guilty for thinking about your options.
Or else the rest of us will start to have to feel guilty too, because there will always be something left behind.
[ Siffrin can't help but distantly wonder what a certain star would say. Would they say to take it? That they should? But they can't. And their expression furrows a little, straightening their posture because they can handle it. They are used to this pain. It shouldn't be a thought.
And.. Yves is right that they do know their decision. No matter what, they can't leave their family behind, even if it means being stuck for.. whoever knows how long. It was stupid of them to even consider, to think about, but the moment he brings up everyone else feeling guilty there's a bit of panic and squeeze of their hands. ]
- But you guys shouldn't feel guilty. There's.. Bas and Fidelio, and Adolphe... [ Their words cut short, looking down again. Fumbling. Shoulders slumping a little, steps coming to a stop. ] ...Sorry. I know.
[ he shakes his head immediately afterward ] It's okay. You don't need to say sorry.
[ reassuringly, because how can he fault someone for the thoughts that come into their head when they're at their lowest? when they try so hard to fight against the raging storm of everything that occupies their minds? he knows how dark those thoughts can get. he knows how hard it can be to pull yourself out of it. ]
But... that is part of what I mean.
You're just as deserving of grace as anyone else. And even if you can't believe it for yourself... can you believe me when I say I wouldn't lie to you?
[ and so, there must be a kernel of truth in what yves says? ]
[ There's another moment of pause, Siffrin not really looking convinced at that thought. They don't.. feel as if they're deserving of it. Everything they've done, the decisions, some few choices during their loops.. No, don't think that. A shake of their head, before they finally raise their gaze to Yves, holding his hand more gently in their own. Their gloved fingers curling, focusing on the weight of it. ]
...I do believe you wouldn't lie. [ Yves has always ever been honest. Openhearted as he is, speaking his mind exactly as it is - right? And.. they have said this before, too - ] I trust you.
[ Even if trusting the truth of some things are a bit harder. But it's easy to put on a smile, to offer an almost convincing reassurance. ] Still, you already look after so many of us, I'm sorry if I worried you.
[ Siffrin knows they themselves are a handful. Had they met before, at an earlier time, maybe so many of their time together would be spent less worrying, and more just... But, that's to say they regret having Yves worrying over them. They appreciate his concern, knowing that he does care. ] It's.. been a lot to think about, but I'll be okay.
yves just smiles a little bit at that, teasing but also so affectionate. he pulls his hand back and just gently cups siffrin's face for a second, thumb brushing over the curve of their cheek ]
I know you'll be okay. [ with confidence ] But that doesn't change that I want to be here with you for the journey, for all the thoughts that come to pass in the meantime.
I take care of you, and you take care of me. That's how friendship is, isn't it?
So... don't be afraid of worrying me. I worry because I love you, and I'd never choose to love you any less. It'd be the same in reverse, right?
[ so it's okay. to have moments where you need a little help, and yves is more than happy to be here for every one ]
[ Briefly, their nose wrinkles as it's let go, but they don't look bothered by it. Mostly just surprised still. Because Yves continues to do things most would hesitate, or avoid doing. Just like when that hand cups their face, and there's a small shiver at that contact, before one hand comes to gently rest over that hand and lean into that touch.
To keep it settled there. Focus on that warmth that is so real, so grounding, like someone starved for such contact. Even if they try so hard not to be so greedy. Their eye flutters up, releasing a breath at those words. ]
..Mmhm. [ It is. At least, that's how friendship should be, right? Just as much as he takes care of them, they want to do the same. Every step of the way, whatever this journey here throws at them. Even if they wish they could do more for him. Ease some of those burdens. ] ..It'd be the same.
[ Without a doubt. Siffrin will always worry and concern over him. It's a bond they only wish they could tell Yves how important it is to them, hoping that just.. moments like these, at least show. There's that telltale squeeze in their chest, equally as light as it is heavy, and.. it's harder this time to say any of those words out loud, especially in the face of them. Yves's smiles really are like the first ray of sunlight on a morning day. ]
..If there's ever anything on your mind, you can talk to me, too. ..You know that, right?
[ yves lets his hand rest against siffrin's cheek, understanding. he's felt that way before—to be so shocked that others would reach out. so he'll be the one to do exactly that, to try to dispel any worries about siffrin ever feeling like yves used to. ]
I do. [ and he's confident about it. he's never felt like it would be hard to tell siffrin anything—he's just a little out of practice. more than that, ] But right now... I've had longer to make peace with this, because I've been thinking about it for a while.
If it's a surprise for you... it's okay if we focus on you for a little bit, right?
[ Yves really is so kind. Spoiling Siffrin in ways they could not explain in words, if because it's way too embarrassing to. And.. don't really need to. They ignore the temptation to curl more into that hand. ]
Aah.. that's true. The idea of it all is still trying to settle in my head. And you already know what you're going to do, right?
[ What Yves plans to do at the end? Where he may go? Still, there's that telltale guilt. Having pulled him away.. ]
I'm sorry. [ Habitual, the need to apologize, to not push away, slip into what they're used to. Have to keep up. ] I'll be okay. ..But.. I won't turn you away.
[ Because they're selfish and feel like time is even more limited than ever. ]
I have to talk it over with Adolphe but... I do know what I want, at the end of everything.
[ which is amazing for him to say, as someone who wasn't sure for so long. who felt like he didn't deserve to be alive as much as other people because he didn't have that same motivation but... now there's hope. ]
... what about you? What are your plans? What do you expect to happen?
What was on your mind? [ when you felt like walking away? ]
Are you waiting until we see them again to talk to him about it?
[ It isn't too surprising, or even too hard to guess, just based on what they've heard but.. it also makes sense to wait than discuss over letters. Even so, they're glad he knows what it will be. Relieved that he's decided on something. As the question comes back, they grow quiet. ]
...Nothing different. Just to everything before. Continue trying to find a way out of the loops. [ Those triple digit numbers hanging over their head but. What's a bit more? They're used to it. ] If I could... get the answers I needed though, before I went back, maybe I'd be able to break it out sooner but.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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You know me, I'm fine.
[ ..Ah. A quick shake of their head, smiling still. There's an appreciative look there even if it's complicated. ]
It's okay. With some of your situations back home.. I get it. It's an answer for you guys. And a good one at that. [ And they mean that. They really do. ] ..Thanks, Vee. But I'll be okay.
[ Even if their brows furrow a little, a little slip in their act, unexpected as the news is. ]
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What are you feeling right now, then?
[ if they'll be okay later, but not right now? he'll still hold onto their hand, walking along with them in an easy way.
even if the conversation itself doesn't feel like it'll be easy ]
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..It's.. technically also an answer for me. It means I could just.. go where I'm.. not looping in time but. [ Their hand grips a bit tighter, breathing in. ]
I can't do that. [ It's the easiest escape. It would be right there. ] If I do, that's.. basically leaving my friends to die and I can't - and..
[ And yet. And yet and yet and yet. For a moment. They considered it, and the guilt for that is disgusting. ]
no subject
... I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting less pain.
[ softly ]
You don't need to make any decision, and I think... it sounds like you already know what you want. [ to be with their friends ] But... you shouldn't feel guilty for thinking about your options.
Or else the rest of us will start to have to feel guilty too, because there will always be something left behind.
no subject
And.. Yves is right that they do know their decision. No matter what, they can't leave their family behind, even if it means being stuck for.. whoever knows how long. It was stupid of them to even consider, to think about, but the moment he brings up everyone else feeling guilty there's a bit of panic and squeeze of their hands. ]
- But you guys shouldn't feel guilty. There's.. Bas and Fidelio, and Adolphe... [ Their words cut short, looking down again. Fumbling. Shoulders slumping a little, steps coming to a stop. ] ...Sorry. I know.
[ Overthinking it like an idiot. ]
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[ reassuringly, because how can he fault someone for the thoughts that come into their head when they're at their lowest? when they try so hard to fight against the raging storm of everything that occupies their minds? he knows how dark those thoughts can get. he knows how hard it can be to pull yourself out of it. ]
But... that is part of what I mean.
You're just as deserving of grace as anyone else. And even if you can't believe it for yourself... can you believe me when I say I wouldn't lie to you?
[ and so, there must be a kernel of truth in what yves says? ]
no subject
...I do believe you wouldn't lie. [ Yves has always ever been honest. Openhearted as he is, speaking his mind exactly as it is - right? And.. they have said this before, too - ] I trust you.
[ Even if trusting the truth of some things are a bit harder. But it's easy to put on a smile, to offer an almost convincing reassurance. ] Still, you already look after so many of us, I'm sorry if I worried you.
[ Siffrin knows they themselves are a handful. Had they met before, at an earlier time, maybe so many of their time together would be spent less worrying, and more just... But, that's to say they regret having Yves worrying over them. They appreciate his concern, knowing that he does care. ] It's.. been a lot to think about, but I'll be okay.
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but when this happens—which happens more than yves would like—he unfortunately has one simple response.
and that is to reach out to gently pinch siff's nose without warning ]
Hey.
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Wah!
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yves just smiles a little bit at that, teasing but also so affectionate. he pulls his hand back and just gently cups siffrin's face for a second, thumb brushing over the curve of their cheek ]
I know you'll be okay. [ with confidence ] But that doesn't change that I want to be here with you for the journey, for all the thoughts that come to pass in the meantime.
I take care of you, and you take care of me. That's how friendship is, isn't it?
So... don't be afraid of worrying me. I worry because I love you, and I'd never choose to love you any less. It'd be the same in reverse, right?
[ so it's okay. to have moments where you need a little help, and yves is more than happy to be here for every one ]
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To keep it settled there. Focus on that warmth that is so real, so grounding, like someone starved for such contact. Even if they try so hard not to be so greedy. Their eye flutters up, releasing a breath at those words. ]
..Mmhm. [ It is. At least, that's how friendship should be, right? Just as much as he takes care of them, they want to do the same. Every step of the way, whatever this journey here throws at them. Even if they wish they could do more for him. Ease some of those burdens. ] ..It'd be the same.
[ Without a doubt. Siffrin will always worry and concern over him. It's a bond they only wish they could tell Yves how important it is to them, hoping that just.. moments like these, at least show. There's that telltale squeeze in their chest, equally as light as it is heavy, and.. it's harder this time to say any of those words out loud, especially in the face of them. Yves's smiles really are like the first ray of sunlight on a morning day. ]
..If there's ever anything on your mind, you can talk to me, too. ..You know that, right?
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I do. [ and he's confident about it. he's never felt like it would be hard to tell siffrin anything—he's just a little out of practice. more than that, ] But right now... I've had longer to make peace with this, because I've been thinking about it for a while.
If it's a surprise for you... it's okay if we focus on you for a little bit, right?
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Aah.. that's true. The idea of it all is still trying to settle in my head. And you already know what you're going to do, right?
[ What Yves plans to do at the end? Where he may go? Still, there's that telltale guilt. Having pulled him away.. ]
I'm sorry. [ Habitual, the need to apologize, to not push away, slip into what they're used to. Have to keep up. ] I'll be okay. ..But.. I won't turn you away.
[ Because they're selfish and feel like time is even more limited than ever. ]
no subject
[ which is amazing for him to say, as someone who wasn't sure for so long. who felt like he didn't deserve to be alive as much as other people because he didn't have that same motivation but... now there's hope. ]
... what about you? What are your plans? What do you expect to happen?
What was on your mind? [ when you felt like walking away? ]
no subject
[ It isn't too surprising, or even too hard to guess, just based on what they've heard but.. it also makes sense to wait than discuss over letters. Even so, they're glad he knows what it will be. Relieved that he's decided on something. As the question comes back, they grow quiet. ]
...Nothing different. Just to everything before. Continue trying to find a way out of the loops. [ Those triple digit numbers hanging over their head but. What's a bit more? They're used to it. ] If I could... get the answers I needed though, before I went back, maybe I'd be able to break it out sooner but.
[ (...) ]
Who knows?