[HEHEH OKAY puts you on the chart with guy fieri. ALSO HATEFUL. The way that he can tell this memory he's seen is one from the past, though how distant that past might be, he can hardly guess. A sixteenth loop from so long ago...
Time loops aren't exactly a thing in his world, but between what he'd seen in the memory and what he'd seen so long ago in the cave, he can put it together easily enough. It paints a grim picture. One that grows even more grim when he considers their run-in in the forest, and the quickness with which Siffrin turned their dagger to their own throat.
After a quiet moment, he'll take a step closer, reaching a hand out to them without touching them just yet. A connecting gesture, giving them the ability to bridge the last gap if they want.]
[ Imagine that! Time loops! Like something of that caliber can be real. But that is a memory showcasing. Things Siffrin tries not to think of for too long because, for a while.. they hadn't. And oh, the guilt of not thinking about it too much, until the previous week with the constant weird jumps of time.. so disorientating, how much he began to hate and not look forward to them.
But then the week was over. And that was good. Only for old memories to come up, and eventually.. that memory will come again and they feel sick. Taste bile bubbling up in their throat and they blink quickly as that hand reaches out to them and they.. stare at it.
They stare because maybe it's a look in their eye, how much they want to meet that connection. Terribly so. But there's that fear of closing it themselves. Because they're forcing it upon him by doing that. Terrible, to be so needy, to force Lucas in this kind of situation. Wishing that for once, someone would just reach out and take hold. But no one ever will, because they jump like some startled wild animal.
So pathetic. ]
..I don't. I was.. getting close. I'm sure I was but.. I tried to loop again and.. ended up here.
Lucas doesn't pull his hand back even though they don't bridge the gap, perhaps because he can see that look in their eye. He doesn't know why they aren't reaching back now, but he doesn't want to leave them feeling that they can't make a connection if they wish to. So rather than letting his hand fall away, he just says, quietly:]
...May I touch you? [A warning, first - but also keeping the decision in their hand, even without them having to make that choice to reach back out.
But hearing this is a tragic, sorrowful thing, and he's quiet for a second.]
I'm so sorry... I can't imagine how that must have felt.
[Expecting to restart for who knows what number, feeling on the verge of a discovery after such grueling work, only to end up somewhere entirely new.]
[ Their mouth parts, before it closes and they still stare at that hand. Please, please please please please, they need to know they're here. They're real. They still exist. Are they real? All these effects, these memories, some more fleeting, some more harmful than not and stars they're so, so tired. And eventually they'll go back and they should be happy because they miss them, their family their friends but
Slowly, it's very faint, but they nod. Yes. He can touch. Though as the apology comes, they hide a little more into their collar. ]
..It's fine. It.. It isn't too bad. I got used to it. It's actually kinda strange not being in them still but. It'll be like.. falling back into habits. So it won't be too hard.
[ They're used to it. They have the power to fix mistakes, to make things right, and okay they're struggling to figure out how to get out of it, they have ways of making it perfect while they find answers and that's enough, isn't it? ]
[They nod, and they smile, and they say that it's fine, that it isn't too bad, that it won't be too hard, and Lucas just reaches out to bridge the gap the rest of the way so he can take their hands into his own.
A little beat of silence passes.]
...Even so... [Even if all of that is true...] You've been doing your best all by yourself for so long.
[Because even if they're surrounded by familiar faces and friends each and every time, it must surely be so crushingly lonely to be one of the only people - if not the only person - to remember. To recall each failure, each defeat, each wrong turn. To have built up layers upon layers of bonds, only for everyone else to forget. Everyone works hard, but this is such isolating work.
He gives their hands a very gentle little squeeze.]
[ Hands meet with their own, and any other words trail off quietly. Letting that silence fill for a moment, before Lucas's voice starts and they try not to think about crying at his next words. That exhaustion that has buried itself so deeply beneath their bones more apparent.
But they manage not to falter in their smile. Even if their hands twitch a little, their breath almost hitching. They have been doing their best, but it could be better. There could have been.. so many mistakes avoided. So many stupid decisions skipped over. Catching on things more faster, not blindly overlooking on other things. Every mistake cut so thoroughly in them that they know they have forgotten more than once, and will likely continue to do so. Because they're a blinding stupid idiot who can't do anything right.
Their smile remains, gently squeezing Lucas's hands back. ] ..Maybe. I'll have to work harder when I go back.
[I REALLY JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE SUFFERING FROM THE SICKNESS HOOKKICKS YOU AGAIN
The problem here is that Lucas is now aware of the way that Siffrin can force a smile even when they're on the verge of crumbling, and that he is a terribly observant person, which means he's noticing the little signs. The twitching of their hands, the near-hitch.
Even more than that, though, it's the words. All of that hard work, and the only thing they say is just that they need to work harder still.]
...Even if we always see the spaces where we can improve within ourselves so quickly, I hope that you can extend to yourself even a fraction of the kindness that I know you would extend to others if they were in your situation.
Those words bring a kind of ache to their chest. Ones they offer no verbal reply or answer to, simply quiet. It's different if it's someone else. Nobody deserves to suffer as they do, but they've become used to it, so it's fine. It's fine if it's Siffrin.
Lucas isn't really expecting an answer, but it's still a sad thing when one doesn't come. He gives their hands a gentle little squeeze, and he opens his mouth like he's going to say something else, but a new memory flashes across the glass instead.]
[The memory isn't a painful one for him, really. Remembering how mistreated Nadia was beforehand always upsets him, but since this is the day that they were saved, he looks back on it fairly fondly. He'll give their hand a little squeeze! His smile is soft but reassuring.]
It was quite some time ago, after all... There is much cruelty in my nation, but there's good, as well.
[He speaks with an obvious fondness! This man who saved them is long dead, but he'll always hold his savior in high regard.]
[WELL THAT WAS A HORRIFIC EXPERIENCE THANK YOU. Damn. This King's out here sounding like the king of Arpechele, except that guy only wants perfect and unchanging immortality for himself and his shitty family. This is somehow both better and worse at the same time? Worse in scale but better in that the guy isn't completely selfish, just insane.
Lucas is not really thinking about any of that though, he's just thinking about how he wishes he could go kill that guy himself. Witnessing the death of a child is also horrific! It is not the first time he's seen it considering where he's from, but it's horrible any time it comes up.
He's still for a few seconds after that, since the visuals and emotions and everything all combined are stunning in the worst of ways. Enough to steal the breath from anyone. He's quiet, but he eventually turns to face Siffrin more fully in a quick little sudden motion, since his conscious brain realizes that this could be highly traumatic for them to relive and he's worried.]
[ It's a horrifying scene to witness. The desperation, trying to enforce their limbs to move, to be faster than that hand that held poor small Bonnie in his grip. Willing their hand to move faster, to bring that knife up where it needs to meet. It can't stop the King. Not as frozen as they are, unable to move fast enough to strike the King down. No, there was only one option, and an option they have done with ease before.
The moment that hand crushes that small body, that knife meets the exact point at that neck that will inflict instant death upon themselves. A single cut is all it needs. Their vision darkening just as blood takes over the vision but the reflection in the mirrors are quiet now. The only sound afterward is the sound of heavy breathing, and fortunately no knife in Siffrin's hand but a hand twitches and grasps at their side like they are heavily thinking about it.
The stricken fear on their expression almost frozen. Until, that nausea ends up being too much and they just quickly turn to collapse into a small heap on the ground to empty their stomach. No, they are definitely not having a good time reliving this again. ]
Re: CW: suicide and child death mention, emetophobia
[THEY SURE AREN'T. Seeing them just collapse like that is enough to startle Lucas into almost immediate action, and he's quick to rush over and kneel by their side, not bothered by the sick. His hands hesitate for a second, extended halfway out and faltering since he doesn't want to cause them even more stress with an unexpected or unwanted touch.]
Siffrin— [He can, at least, angle his body so that they won't have any immediate way of looking at the mirrors directly in front or to the side of them, but he can only do so much when they're literally surrounded by mirrors.
He'll also at least announce:] I'm going to touch you. Let me know if you don't want me to.
[Through word or action or anything else they can think of, but he really can't just sit by and not do anything at all, so he sets a careful hand against their back and tries to support them as best he can through this initial terrible moment of illness.]
[ The announcement murmurs through the dark murky thoughts in their mind, a quiet voice. A voice that they don't register right away because that isn't... any of their family. Not Odile, Mirabelle, Isabeau or Bonnie... Who -
The careful hand comes and they flinch badly, but they don't shake it off. They don't try to scramble or move away either. They just suck a big breath in instead, shuddering. Gloved hands curl tightly against the ground, gasping another breath in again, breathing in and in and in. Lightheaded, dizzied, shaking the thoughts of their mind with quiet murmurs of
it's fine. It's okay. Nothing is happening. They've seen this before. They've seen it before. They know better. This isn't there. This isn't the meadow after. Their eye stings with tears, peering over at Lucas with a tremble in their voice. ]
...Sorry. Sorry. [ This effect is the bane of their existence. Between the last one and this. They're so sick of it and it feels like there's no escape. They wipe at their mouth, their eye, trying to chase off the worst of the feelings. ] M'fine... I'm fine.
[Watching this is such a heartwrenching thing. He feels badly for the enormous flinch, but if they don't try to scramble or move away, then he keeps his hand where it is - gentle against their back. After a second, he moves it carefully, rubbing in gentle circles that he can only hope are soothing.]
It's okay to not be fine. And you never have to apologize for something like this.
[For such a visceral reaction to such a horrific memory. They shake, and he stays close, quiet for a second or two. He doesn't want to force them to move sooner than they want to, but he also doesn't want them to be stuck here watching the refracted surfaces of the glass as they start to loop again, collapsed here on the ground next to their sick.]
[ Does it hurt less the third time around? Probably not. It feels and stings as badly as the first time. But their reaction isn't nearly as twisted and bad as it was the first time he's seen it here. And for that, maybe there's a relief at that, but they're too numb to those feelings.
Focusing on the warmth at their back, the words drowning a bit out. No, Siffrin has to be okay. If they crumble here, what does that mean for back in the loops? Their act will falter, and they'll break and they can't. They suck in a deep breath, ignoring the sick, managing to settle their trembling.
Force themselves to calm down. There's guilt, that they couldn't put themselves together much that Lucas feels he has to lift them but they nod numbly. That's fine. They don't want to stay here. Seeing it again and again is not helping. ]
[That's exactly what he's thinking - that being here, watching this over and over, is not going to do them any good. Even if they can hold themselves together, or pull their pieces back into some semblance of togetherness if nothing else, he doesn't want them to have to. He'd rather just do this: gently tuck his arms around them, and pull them up into a princess carry with ease. They are light as a feather to him regardless of their weight, and he's able to move through the maze of mirrors with a quickness only tempered by the fact that he doesn't want to jostle them too greatly.
Through the corridors they go, passing by glass, reflective surface after reflective surface. He holds them close, giving them space to lean away if they need it or to move closer if they want to hide away. Like this, he moves through the maze with a silent determination and a sole goal: get out, get out, get out.
Fortunately, nothing else begins to play. He speeds up as the memory drags back toward the death of that child, toward Siffrin's own death, toward them getting dragged back to the start of the loop. He can spot the light of the exit ahead, and it's with an absolutely urgent briskness that he sets off to it and through it and back into the carnival space at large.
Once there, he just - slows, comes to a stop, still holding them in his arms.]
[ Honestly, Siffrin doesn't weigh much. They're described as scrawny and they are certainly small. There's a bad flinch as they're tucked, but they ease almost immediately with a breath sucking in. Tucking their head hopefully at an angle that doesn't block too much of Lucas's view with their hat but they aren't actually checking to make sure that's the case.
Mostly focused on hiding from view the reflective surfaces of every mirror around them. If Siffrin was more in mind, maybe they'd notice the space that Lucas gives them, to either move away or close. Leaving the choice with them. Appreciative by the fact that that he doesn't hesitate.
There's no avoiding the way their next breath sucks in and holds, trying to block out the fear in Bonnie's voice, the tremble in their tone, "Frin, help -" They're sorry. They broke that promise. They ensured the only deaths that could happen would only be their own and then they failed even that. As the echo of the memory disappears behind them, moving back to the more open-spaced, they don't move even as Lucas seems to stop.
But they can't hide away forever. They can't stay like this. They straighten a little, just to peek out. ] Are we out..?
[They're out, but they're not, really. Out in that they no longer have to see and listen and feel what's contained in the mirrors on repeat, but those memories live within Siffrin anyway, don't they? In that sense, it's not like this is something that can ever truly be left behind.
But he won't linger on that overly-long. Instead, with some quietness:]
We are, yes. I can put you down if you'd like, or take you anywhere you would rather go.
[Just so they don't have to worry about opening a door and running right back into that same ugly scenario, even if it may not be the same memory tacked up on display.]
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Time loops aren't exactly a thing in his world, but between what he'd seen in the memory and what he'd seen so long ago in the cave, he can put it together easily enough. It paints a grim picture. One that grows even more grim when he considers their run-in in the forest, and the quickness with which Siffrin turned their dagger to their own throat.
After a quiet moment, he'll take a step closer, reaching a hand out to them without touching them just yet. A connecting gesture, giving them the ability to bridge the last gap if they want.]
...And you still don't know what's caused it?
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But then the week was over. And that was good. Only for old memories to come up, and eventually.. that memory will come again and they feel sick. Taste bile bubbling up in their throat and they blink quickly as that hand reaches out to them and they.. stare at it.
They stare because maybe it's a look in their eye, how much they want to meet that connection. Terribly so. But there's that fear of closing it themselves. Because they're forcing it upon him by doing that. Terrible, to be so needy, to force Lucas in this kind of situation. Wishing that for once, someone would just reach out and take hold. But no one ever will, because they jump like some startled wild animal.
So pathetic. ]
..I don't. I was.. getting close. I'm sure I was but.. I tried to loop again and.. ended up here.
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Lucas doesn't pull his hand back even though they don't bridge the gap, perhaps because he can see that look in their eye. He doesn't know why they aren't reaching back now, but he doesn't want to leave them feeling that they can't make a connection if they wish to. So rather than letting his hand fall away, he just says, quietly:]
...May I touch you? [A warning, first - but also keeping the decision in their hand, even without them having to make that choice to reach back out.
But hearing this is a tragic, sorrowful thing, and he's quiet for a second.]
I'm so sorry... I can't imagine how that must have felt.
[Expecting to restart for who knows what number, feeling on the verge of a discovery after such grueling work, only to end up somewhere entirely new.]
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Slowly, it's very faint, but they nod. Yes. He can touch. Though as the apology comes, they hide a little more into their collar. ]
..It's fine. It.. It isn't too bad. I got used to it. It's actually kinda strange not being in them still but. It'll be like.. falling back into habits. So it won't be too hard.
[ They're used to it. They have the power to fix mistakes, to make things right, and okay they're struggling to figure out how to get out of it, they have ways of making it perfect while they find answers and that's enough, isn't it? ]
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A little beat of silence passes.]
...Even so... [Even if all of that is true...] You've been doing your best all by yourself for so long.
[Because even if they're surrounded by familiar faces and friends each and every time, it must surely be so crushingly lonely to be one of the only people - if not the only person - to remember. To recall each failure, each defeat, each wrong turn. To have built up layers upon layers of bonds, only for everyone else to forget. Everyone works hard, but this is such isolating work.
He gives their hands a very gentle little squeeze.]
You've worked so hard, Siffrin.
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But they manage not to falter in their smile. Even if their hands twitch a little, their breath almost hitching. They have been doing their best, but it could be better. There could have been.. so many mistakes avoided. So many stupid decisions skipped over. Catching on things more faster, not blindly overlooking on other things. Every mistake cut so thoroughly in them that they know they have forgotten more than once, and will likely continue to do so. Because they're a blinding stupid idiot who can't do anything right.
Their smile remains, gently squeezing Lucas's hands back. ] ..Maybe. I'll have to work harder when I go back.
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The problem here is that Lucas is now aware of the way that Siffrin can force a smile even when they're on the verge of crumbling, and that he is a terribly observant person, which means he's noticing the little signs. The twitching of their hands, the near-hitch.
Even more than that, though, it's the words. All of that hard work, and the only thing they say is just that they need to work harder still.]
...Even if we always see the spaces where we can improve within ourselves so quickly, I hope that you can extend to yourself even a fraction of the kindness that I know you would extend to others if they were in your situation.
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Those words bring a kind of ache to their chest. Ones they offer no verbal reply or answer to, simply quiet. It's different if it's someone else. Nobody deserves to suffer as they do, but they've become used to it, so it's fine. It's fine if it's Siffrin.
also holds paw out for mem gibe ]
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Lucas isn't really expecting an answer, but it's still a sad thing when one doesn't come. He gives their hands a gentle little squeeze, and he opens his mouth like he's going to say something else, but a new memory flashes across the glass instead.]
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Siffrin watches, with a bubbling ache and frustration that they would be turned away so cruely but.. someone did help them eventually.
Looking away from the glass, their hands curl with Lucas's own. ]
You were both so small...
[ So young, so much more fragile.. ]
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It was quite some time ago, after all... There is much cruelty in my nation, but there's good, as well.
[He speaks with an obvious fondness! This man who saved them is long dead, but he'll always hold his savior in high regard.]
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I saw... some of Yves' past. [ What happened to him when he was young. ] There really seems to be more cruelty than not.
[ But.. ] I'm glad at least some good came out of it. For your sister.
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...Yes. Unfortunately so. Those who are good and kind often suffer for it.
[Sweet Yves deserved so much better than their shitty nation but there they are.]
Thank you, though; I'm glad for it, as well. But-- why don't we find our way back out of here? Before the mirrors start to bully again.
[Very faint lightness, trying to inject a bit of levity.]
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unless u want me to throw one more last min mem ]
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Lucas is not really thinking about any of that though, he's just thinking about how he wishes he could go kill that guy himself. Witnessing the death of a child is also horrific! It is not the first time he's seen it considering where he's from, but it's horrible any time it comes up.
He's still for a few seconds after that, since the visuals and emotions and everything all combined are stunning in the worst of ways. Enough to steal the breath from anyone. He's quiet, but he eventually turns to face Siffrin more fully in a quick little sudden motion, since his conscious brain realizes that this could be highly traumatic for them to relive and he's worried.]
CW: suicide and child death mention, emetophobia
The moment that hand crushes that small body, that knife meets the exact point at that neck that will inflict instant death upon themselves. A single cut is all it needs. Their vision darkening just as blood takes over the vision but the reflection in the mirrors are quiet now. The only sound afterward is the sound of heavy breathing, and fortunately no knife in Siffrin's hand but a hand twitches and grasps at their side like they are heavily thinking about it.
The stricken fear on their expression almost frozen. Until, that nausea ends up being too much and they just quickly turn to collapse into a small heap on the ground to empty their stomach. No, they are definitely not having a good time reliving this again. ]
Re: CW: suicide and child death mention, emetophobia
Siffrin— [He can, at least, angle his body so that they won't have any immediate way of looking at the mirrors directly in front or to the side of them, but he can only do so much when they're literally surrounded by mirrors.
He'll also at least announce:] I'm going to touch you. Let me know if you don't want me to.
[Through word or action or anything else they can think of, but he really can't just sit by and not do anything at all, so he sets a careful hand against their back and tries to support them as best he can through this initial terrible moment of illness.]
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The careful hand comes and they flinch badly, but they don't shake it off. They don't try to scramble or move away either. They just suck a big breath in instead, shuddering. Gloved hands curl tightly against the ground, gasping another breath in again, breathing in and in and in. Lightheaded, dizzied, shaking the thoughts of their mind with quiet murmurs of
it's fine. It's okay. Nothing is happening. They've seen this before. They've seen it before. They know better. This isn't there. This isn't the meadow after. Their eye stings with tears, peering over at Lucas with a tremble in their voice. ]
...Sorry. Sorry. [ This effect is the bane of their existence. Between the last one and this. They're so sick of it and it feels like there's no escape. They wipe at their mouth, their eye, trying to chase off the worst of the feelings. ] M'fine... I'm fine.
[ As they shake like a leaf. ]
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It's okay to not be fine. And you never have to apologize for something like this.
[For such a visceral reaction to such a horrific memory. They shake, and he stays close, quiet for a second or two. He doesn't want to force them to move sooner than they want to, but he also doesn't want them to be stuck here watching the refracted surfaces of the glass as they start to loop again, collapsed here on the ground next to their sick.]
...I'm going to lift you. We need to leave.
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Focusing on the warmth at their back, the words drowning a bit out. No, Siffrin has to be okay. If they crumble here, what does that mean for back in the loops? Their act will falter, and they'll break and they can't. They suck in a deep breath, ignoring the sick, managing to settle their trembling.
Force themselves to calm down. There's guilt, that they couldn't put themselves together much that Lucas feels he has to lift them but they nod numbly. That's fine. They don't want to stay here. Seeing it again and again is not helping. ]
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Through the corridors they go, passing by glass, reflective surface after reflective surface. He holds them close, giving them space to lean away if they need it or to move closer if they want to hide away. Like this, he moves through the maze with a silent determination and a sole goal: get out, get out, get out.
Fortunately, nothing else begins to play. He speeds up as the memory drags back toward the death of that child, toward Siffrin's own death, toward them getting dragged back to the start of the loop. He can spot the light of the exit ahead, and it's with an absolutely urgent briskness that he sets off to it and through it and back into the carnival space at large.
Once there, he just - slows, comes to a stop, still holding them in his arms.]
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Mostly focused on hiding from view the reflective surfaces of every mirror around them. If Siffrin was more in mind, maybe they'd notice the space that Lucas gives them, to either move away or close. Leaving the choice with them. Appreciative by the fact that that he doesn't hesitate.
There's no avoiding the way their next breath sucks in and holds, trying to block out the fear in Bonnie's voice, the tremble in their tone, "Frin, help -" They're sorry. They broke that promise. They ensured the only deaths that could happen would only be their own and then they failed even that. As the echo of the memory disappears behind them, moving back to the more open-spaced, they don't move even as Lucas seems to stop.
But they can't hide away forever. They can't stay like this. They straighten a little, just to peek out. ] Are we out..?
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But he won't linger on that overly-long. Instead, with some quietness:]
We are, yes. I can put you down if you'd like, or take you anywhere you would rather go.
[Just so they don't have to worry about opening a door and running right back into that same ugly scenario, even if it may not be the same memory tacked up on display.]
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