[ their smile may be convincing, but elysia isn't convinced. she has seen how trauma has seeped into people in too many ways, but she'll smile back, sadness in the curve of her lips. ]
Is that why you still flinch if people try to touch you? Because it's nothing much anymore?
No, that.. it isn't that.. I jump because I'm just not.. used to it. I don't remember ever...
[ Having contact like that with anybody. Which makes them flinch at those words. And it isn't as if they want to be that way.
Because it's everything. How badly they want to be touched, how much they yearn for that contact, to feel that physical touch of someone else. But it's weird to ask for contact like that. To be so vulnerable and consider begging to feel anything or something.
They settle with Yves, who reaches out so easily, and even Ellie, who holds her hand out to them time and time again. Their hands grip onto their own cloak tightly. ]
But, after a while in the loops, they just.. stopped reacting.
[ Their family, their friends - stopped reacting to their own pokes. And Siffrin remembers reading somewhere that humans need a certain amount of skin-to-skin contact otherwise they go insane. Their hand rubs at their own arm subconsciously, staring off to the ground unable to meet her gaze. ]
[ elysia holds out her hand to them now. if they didn't have that kind of contact in over a hundred loops, she'll give it to them. a hundred times over. ]
I want to give you something to remember now. For however long you choose to remember it.
[ because for as much as elysia does want to be remembered, she can't force it on people, and sometimes, it's better if people don't. ]
Take my hand, hm?
[ she prompts because they're looking at the ground. ]
[ That's the thing with them. The mention of remembrance, how they want to so desperately. To keep something. To not forget some of the moments they have made here. To be remembered themselves. To not be forgotten.
If it was up to Siffrin, they would never forget. But it's never that easy. Not with their memory. Even some loops will pass by forgotten, blending together. Their gaze raises enough to look at her hand, and it must catch in their eye. The way they want to so desperately.
Even though a part of them feels like they're forcing Elysia to do so. So kind, so gentle, reaching out for poor terrible Siffrin. Their thoughts fester but they take a small breath in and, quietly reach out to gingerly take her hand. Gloved fingers twitching, wanting to enclose around and ground themselves here. ]
[ they are wanting, and elysia will answer. their hand is hers now. her fingers curl comfortably, firmly. ]
You're here with me now, making memories with me. I want your loops to stop, for you more than anything, but in this moment, I will remember everything about you that I can, okay? My memory's quite good. Almost as good as I am beautiful.
[ she wants them to know they will always have a place with her, if they choose it. ]
That's why I'll try to notice if something's different about you.
[ Their hand twitches just a little, a small flinch, but they have gotten a bit better about it lately. The touch therapy, the practice does make it easier. So when her fingers curl so comfortably, so firmly, he lets her and slowly his own curl back.
Their eye raises up to her before back to their hands. That quiet creeping fear. They don't want to be forgotten. Not like everything else has been forgotten. Their connections, their beliefs, their home... but if it's Elysia. Ellie, who remembers each one of those numbers on her halo, who knows them so warmly and every thing that makes of them. ]
If it's you... [ Their voice is quiet, trails off but. The words don't continue. However, the thought is there. If it's her, they.. feel like she would remember them. Maybe the Universe would at least allow that much. Their heart clenches tight, the quietest of flutters.
(...) Her hand is so warm. ] ..I'll try to believe in that, Ellie.
[ It's so difficult to put their feelings on the line. As someone who will simply swallow all of their feelings and one day die with them. But having someone tell them they'll remember everything they can. ..They take a deep breath in, and out. That's.. enough for now, isn't it? ]
I'll remember you trying right now. I'll remember your hand in mine. I'll remember how much you want to remember and want to be remembered.
I'll remember how much time has worn you down.... how trapped you must feel. I'll remember the friends who traveled with you, again and again.
[ because isn't siffrin trapped? trapped in those time loops, trapped into holding back, trapped into being afraid.... ]
I don't know if you've figured out what's causing your loops yet, but I'll also remember how much you deserve to be free of them. As long as you try to believe in me, that's all I can ask.
[ she wants to anchor them, if only a little. she is only here for these next few weeks, but for those weeks... she hopes she can do something for siffrin, even if it's only remembering.
I.. haven't. I haven't figured them out yet but... I will. I can keep going and find a way.
[ Tired. They are so, so tired. Their expression always empty, exhausted, when they think no one is looking, giving a ready smile when they are. Reassuring and always answering with "I'm fine." Because they have to be.
But right here, being told that she'll remember them. Their breath shudders, and their hands curl just a bit firmer. Anchoring themselves by the warmth of touch and oh. Is it obvious? How starved they are for touch, to have someone just reach out and touch and hold his hands. How pathetic he must look. But if not for that, he couldn't bring himself to be vulnerable enough to ask for it.
Their memory is terrible, but it's always been that way hasn't it. The reflection of the mirrors start to crack like a bright red star and it twists into a new memory.(major isat spoilers hehe, cw for death) One that just hearing gets them coughing, blood trickling past their lips but the ache.. the turmoil.. the distraught of who they are and where they came from has and always will be forgotten thanks to the fate of the Universe. ]
..It probably isn't worth it.
[ But as always, Siffrin can never take their own advice. ]
there are parts of that memory that resonate with her and other parts that don't. to be forgotten and to be lost to time is such a lonely thing, if there is no one to remember with you. the connection with the king.... this, too, is something elysia can almost understand, if the king is someone who currently stands opposed to siffrin and their friends.
why has their memory become like this? why must it be left unsaid? why does it have to cause that kind of pain? ]
It's worth it.
[ her words are as firm and clear as a crystal. ]
Your country is worth it. Your home is worth it. You are worth it. Can you still not say its name?
[ the way I wasn't expecting to share that mem too but this conversation really took such a turn.
Their eye stares hard at the reflection, two people who shared the same fate of their country but on different ends and beliefs for what they want of the present. One who would rather freeze the entire country and time to save their love, and the one who would stand up to stop him.
Everything is worth it. Everything was worth remembering. It still is, as a part of them remains empty, void of their upbringing. The inquiry of the name has Siffrin hesitate, focusing, trying to pull it out... like a needle in a haystack. Instead, they cough again, one gloved hand collapsing over their mouth as more blood bubbles out.
A shake of their head. Even now, they can't. Their body betraying them just as then to even try. ] ..Can't.
[ that's so concerning. she won't press for the name anymore, not if it actually makes them bleed. ]
What happened that even your body rejects it?
[ she doesn't even know if siffrin has the answer. it's just a little boggling to her. her world is long gone, and there are some things she had struck from the history records, for the good of the future, but...
between the king and siffrin, what made their country so redacted? ]
..It isn't just mine, either. People back in my world, they can't recall anything either about my country. The moment they try to, it leaves their mind.
[ And Siffrin remembers so desperately wanting to hear one try, just to say it, just once. Pushed a little only to feel empty and loss when it went nowhere. ]
Will suffer headaches if they think too hard on it.. so they choose not to try. To not bother.
[ And it's unfair. It's really unfair. Why? For what reason would the Universe decree the fate of their country to pure erasure? But as for any potential answers, Siffrin just shakes their head. They do not have an answer. And.. they do not think they ever will. It's gone. No matter what they do. ]
[ elysia thinks it's unfathomably sad to not be remembered, to be so rejected that even the universe won't let anyone utter your name. what story surrounds this country that it had to pay such a price? ]
That's not all right. I don't anyone or anything should be forgotten like that. To enforce it on people. Whatever truth is hidden.... I don't know if anything can justify it.
[ Siffrin goes quiet at that, lowering their head a little to hide partly into the collar of their cloak. Though they should move on, thinks the King should move on, it doesn't change they can't follow that advice. They'll always long to know. Their origins, their country, their family, their life before one day waking up to nothing.. ]
..There's a saying I do remember. [ From their beliefs. Their country. ] "The Universe leads, we can only follow."
[ Their gaze peers at the reflection, which shows the span of a night sky, of glittering stars and there's a torn expression at the sight. Do they still love the stars anymore? Both comforted and betrayed by it. ] We are bound to the Universe's will the same way the moon is bound to the planet, the same way the planet is bound to the sun.
[ The same way a puppet is bound to its strings. But.. if the Universe wills it this way, it must be for something, right? (You don't even know what it could be anymore.) ]
she lets that saying roll around in her head. she can understand it, but she doesn't care for it.
elysia loves the stars, even now, and she looks at the reflection, she doesn't hesitate to say: ]
I think the strings of the universe and fate can be changed even if not completely cut. Or maybe it can't be changed, but.... how you get to where it leads can be changed.
Orbits can change, even if it's by a little, after going round and round.... and you've done that.
[ looped again and again and again.... she has no basis for saying this to them since she doesn't know how things are in their world and how powers lie, but... it's something she believes. ]
[ yeah i napped and woke up at 2am, tried to sleep and insomnia was pain so i tagged. :(
Listens to this, contemplative. They don't think the first statement to be true. No matter how much they try to cut, the strings are still there. Unchanging. But... maybe, maybe how you get to where it leads can be. So far though, they don't see it. ]
..I don't know if it's change for the better. [ A smile, that doesn't reach their eye, but easy and convincing to most. Probably not to Elysia who knows better now though. Can tell how fake their smile is.
(..It hurts a little to talk about it. So you do what you do best, and change the subject.)
Their gaze focuses on the stars in the reflection, a distant look that's both a bit longing and loss. ]
Every time I look at the stars, it feels like it's something I've done dozens, hundreds, thousands of times. I've grown up with the stars and the Universe. I don't.. really remember the how, or the why, but it feels like it. [ A quiet breath out. ] Some people think they're just dots but.. They're big balls of fire and gas and light. Most are bigger than the planet, they're just really far. And they're technically there even during the day, people just don't see it.
..But most people don't care about it. [ Said in a way that they've explained this before, and met was disinterest, and they just can't understand that. Can't understand not caring about stars. ]
[ zetsu your sneep i hope you were able to sleep better yesterday.
she lets them change the subject for a little bit, but she can bring it back around. ]
I love the stars. They may be far, far away, but their light will always reach us. Isn't that romantic? I think it is.
And even if they're dead by the time their light reaches us, doesn't that mean they'll still be known... still be seen... still be remembered even after they're gone?
It's possibly romantic to a sense but there's more to it they think than that. But then again, Siffrin isn't like Isabeau, or Mirabelle's interest in the genre at least in fiction when it comes to romance. Fascinated by stars for what they are. Their structures, their being, the constellations they can be made to be when they tie in together.. ]
...I like to think they will be but. Nobody thinks of them where I'm from. Don't really see them as exciting, just dots in the sky. [ And to them, that's hurtful. Coming to face to someone uncaring of stars. So to hear Elysia talk so kindly of them, their chest flutters, with anticipation with something else. ] But I want to remember them, even when they are gone.
[ Even when they do forget, and oh sometimes they do, there's at least that feeling still there. Their hand fiddles with the pins of their cloak, quiet as they think on her words. ]
[ Said quietly, almost offhandedly, if because they don't really believe that. Even if they wish to be that important. To remembered more than anything.
also me realizing i can actually request a mem from you since this is a memshare thread. holds paw out 🥺 in b4 you're like no... i don't have any... ]
the honkai is a threat to elysia's world, to human civilization more specifically. it manifests in monsters, in beasts, in radiation, in illnesses, in natural disasters. it can take over certain humans and create vessels of them and wield unimaginable powers based on a concept they are named for, an authority. that is a herrscher.
it is finally time for elysia to face the herrscher of corruption, and she talks to her first, to understand. it does not mean she will let her live. an enemy remains an enemy to elysia.
[ YIPPEE!!! miss elysia the world that you are....
Though, Siffrin takes it in, as much as they can, these memories are always a reminder how some of the worlds are so different from another, but... as it comes to that conclusion, they blink slowly, before peering at Elysia. ]
..The end, what..?
[ What happened? From the damage that was.. done to her - Doesn't quite get it. Doesn't quite understand. But it leaves them uneasy, worried, their expression twists with concern. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ their smile may be convincing, but elysia isn't convinced. she has seen how trauma has seeped into people in too many ways, but she'll smile back, sadness in the curve of her lips. ]
Is that why you still flinch if people try to touch you? Because it's nothing much anymore?
[ even if it's a hundred or so loops later? ]
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[ Having contact like that with anybody. Which makes them flinch at those words. And it isn't as if they want to be that way.
Because it's everything. How badly they want to be touched, how much they yearn for that contact, to feel that physical touch of someone else. But it's weird to ask for contact like that. To be so vulnerable and consider begging to feel anything or something.
They settle with Yves, who reaches out so easily, and even Ellie, who holds her hand out to them time and time again. Their hands grip onto their own cloak tightly. ]
But, after a while in the loops, they just.. stopped reacting.
[ Their family, their friends - stopped reacting to their own pokes. And Siffrin remembers reading somewhere that humans need a certain amount of skin-to-skin contact otherwise they go insane. Their hand rubs at their own arm subconsciously, staring off to the ground unable to meet her gaze. ]
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I want to give you something to remember now. For however long you choose to remember it.
[ because for as much as elysia does want to be remembered, she can't force it on people, and sometimes, it's better if people don't. ]
Take my hand, hm?
[ she prompts because they're looking at the ground. ]
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If it was up to Siffrin, they would never forget. But it's never that easy. Not with their memory. Even some loops will pass by forgotten, blending together. Their gaze raises enough to look at her hand, and it must catch in their eye. The way they want to so desperately.
Even though a part of them feels like they're forcing Elysia to do so. So kind, so gentle, reaching out for poor terrible Siffrin. Their thoughts fester but they take a small breath in and, quietly reach out to gingerly take her hand. Gloved fingers twitching, wanting to enclose around and ground themselves here. ]
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You're here with me now, making memories with me. I want your loops to stop, for you more than anything, but in this moment, I will remember everything about you that I can, okay? My memory's quite good. Almost as good as I am beautiful.
[ she wants them to know they will always have a place with her, if they choose it. ]
That's why I'll try to notice if something's different about you.
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Their eye raises up to her before back to their hands. That quiet creeping fear. They don't want to be forgotten. Not like everything else has been forgotten. Their connections, their beliefs, their home... but if it's Elysia. Ellie, who remembers each one of those numbers on her halo, who knows them so warmly and every thing that makes of them. ]
If it's you... [ Their voice is quiet, trails off but. The words don't continue. However, the thought is there. If it's her, they.. feel like she would remember them. Maybe the Universe would at least allow that much. Their heart clenches tight, the quietest of flutters.
(...) Her hand is so warm. ] ..I'll try to believe in that, Ellie.
[ It's so difficult to put their feelings on the line. As someone who will simply swallow all of their feelings and one day die with them. But having someone tell them they'll remember everything they can. ..They take a deep breath in, and out. That's.. enough for now, isn't it? ]
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I'll remember how much time has worn you down.... how trapped you must feel. I'll remember the friends who traveled with you, again and again.
[ because isn't siffrin trapped? trapped in those time loops, trapped into holding back, trapped into being afraid.... ]
I don't know if you've figured out what's causing your loops yet, but I'll also remember how much you deserve to be free of them. As long as you try to believe in me, that's all I can ask.
[ she wants to anchor them, if only a little. she is only here for these next few weeks, but for those weeks... she hopes she can do something for siffrin, even if it's only remembering.
(to elysia, remembrance is everything.) ]
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[ Tired. They are so, so tired. Their expression always empty, exhausted, when they think no one is looking, giving a ready smile when they are. Reassuring and always answering with "I'm fine." Because they have to be.
But right here, being told that she'll remember them. Their breath shudders, and their hands curl just a bit firmer. Anchoring themselves by the warmth of touch and oh. Is it obvious? How starved they are for touch, to have someone just reach out and touch and hold his hands. How pathetic he must look. But if not for that, he couldn't bring himself to be vulnerable enough to ask for it.
Their memory is terrible, but it's always been that way hasn't it. The reflection of the mirrors start to crack like a bright red star and it twists into a new memory. (major isat spoilers hehe, cw for death) One that just hearing gets them coughing, blood trickling past their lips but the ache.. the turmoil.. the distraught of who they are and where they came from has and always will be forgotten thanks to the fate of the Universe. ]
..It probably isn't worth it.
[ But as always, Siffrin can never take their own advice. ]
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there are parts of that memory that resonate with her and other parts that don't. to be forgotten and to be lost to time is such a lonely thing, if there is no one to remember with you. the connection with the king.... this, too, is something elysia can almost understand, if the king is someone who currently stands opposed to siffrin and their friends.
why has their memory become like this? why must it be left unsaid? why does it have to cause that kind of pain? ]
It's worth it.
[ her words are as firm and clear as a crystal. ]
Your country is worth it. Your home is worth it. You are worth it. Can you still not say its name?
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Their eye stares hard at the reflection, two people who shared the same fate of their country but on different ends and beliefs for what they want of the present. One who would rather freeze the entire country and time to save their love, and the one who would stand up to stop him.
Everything is worth it. Everything was worth remembering. It still is, as a part of them remains empty, void of their upbringing. The inquiry of the name has Siffrin hesitate, focusing, trying to pull it out... like a needle in a haystack. Instead, they cough again, one gloved hand collapsing over their mouth as more blood bubbles out.
A shake of their head. Even now, they can't. Their body betraying them just as then to even try. ] ..Can't.
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[ that's so concerning. she won't press for the name anymore, not if it actually makes them bleed. ]
What happened that even your body rejects it?
[ she doesn't even know if siffrin has the answer. it's just a little boggling to her. her world is long gone, and there are some things she had struck from the history records, for the good of the future, but...
between the king and siffrin, what made their country so redacted? ]
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[ And Siffrin remembers so desperately wanting to hear one try, just to say it, just once. Pushed a little only to feel empty and loss when it went nowhere. ]
Will suffer headaches if they think too hard on it.. so they choose not to try. To not bother.
[ And it's unfair. It's really unfair. Why? For what reason would the Universe decree the fate of their country to pure erasure? But as for any potential answers, Siffrin just shakes their head. They do not have an answer. And.. they do not think they ever will. It's gone. No matter what they do. ]
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That's not all right. I don't anyone or anything should be forgotten like that. To enforce it on people. Whatever truth is hidden.... I don't know if anything can justify it.
[ even if the truth is something horrible. ]
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..There's a saying I do remember. [ From their beliefs. Their country. ] "The Universe leads, we can only follow."
[ Their gaze peers at the reflection, which shows the span of a night sky, of glittering stars and there's a torn expression at the sight. Do they still love the stars anymore? Both comforted and betrayed by it. ] We are bound to the Universe's will the same way the moon is bound to the planet, the same way the planet is bound to the sun.
[ The same way a puppet is bound to its strings. But.. if the Universe wills it this way, it must be for something, right? (You don't even know what it could be anymore.) ]
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she lets that saying roll around in her head. she can understand it, but she doesn't care for it.
elysia loves the stars, even now, and she looks at the reflection, she doesn't hesitate to say: ]
I think the strings of the universe and fate can be changed even if not completely cut. Or maybe it can't be changed, but.... how you get to where it leads can be changed.
Orbits can change, even if it's by a little, after going round and round.... and you've done that.
[ looped again and again and again.... she has no basis for saying this to them since she doesn't know how things are in their world and how powers lie, but... it's something she believes. ]
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Listens to this, contemplative. They don't think the first statement to be true. No matter how much they try to cut, the strings are still there. Unchanging. But... maybe, maybe how you get to where it leads can be. So far though, they don't see it. ]
..I don't know if it's change for the better. [ A smile, that doesn't reach their eye, but easy and convincing to most. Probably not to Elysia who knows better now though. Can tell how fake their smile is.
(..It hurts a little to talk about it. So you do what you do best, and change the subject.)
Their gaze focuses on the stars in the reflection, a distant look that's both a bit longing and loss. ]
Every time I look at the stars, it feels like it's something I've done dozens, hundreds, thousands of times. I've grown up with the stars and the Universe. I don't.. really remember the how, or the why, but it feels like it. [ A quiet breath out. ] Some people think they're just dots but.. They're big balls of fire and gas and light. Most are bigger than the planet, they're just really far. And they're technically there even during the day, people just don't see it.
..But most people don't care about it. [ Said in a way that they've explained this before, and met was disinterest, and they just can't understand that. Can't understand not caring about stars. ]
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she lets them change the subject for a little bit, but she can bring it back around. ]
I love the stars. They may be far, far away, but their light will always reach us. Isn't that romantic? I think it is.
And even if they're dead by the time their light reaches us, doesn't that mean they'll still be known... still be seen... still be remembered even after they're gone?
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It's possibly romantic to a sense but there's more to it they think than that. But then again, Siffrin isn't like Isabeau, or Mirabelle's interest in the genre at least in fiction when it comes to romance. Fascinated by stars for what they are. Their structures, their being, the constellations they can be made to be when they tie in together.. ]
...I like to think they will be but. Nobody thinks of them where I'm from. Don't really see them as exciting, just dots in the sky. [ And to them, that's hurtful. Coming to face to someone uncaring of stars. So to hear Elysia talk so kindly of them, their chest flutters, with anticipation with something else. ] But I want to remember them, even when they are gone.
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I'm sure they'll thank you for that, too.
[ in the way no one has noticed their timeloops at home and how much that might burn the light out of them or make the light within them fade. ]
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[ Even when they do forget, and oh sometimes they do, there's at least that feeling still there. Their hand fiddles with the pins of their cloak, quiet as they think on her words. ]
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[ someone from their journey is already in love with siffrin, and that's how she knows. ]
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[ Said quietly, almost offhandedly, if because they don't really believe that. Even if they wish to be that important. To remembered more than anything.
also me realizing i can actually request a mem from you since this is a memshare thread. holds paw out 🥺 in b4 you're like no... i don't have any... ]
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wow, look at the mirrors.
it is finally time for elysia to face the herrscher of corruption, and she talks to her first, to understand. it does not mean she will let her live. an enemy remains an enemy to elysia.
this is a story with(out) any significance. (2:05:24 to 2:12:14 when it says delete completed if my end time on the html address doesn't work )
yippee ]
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Though, Siffrin takes it in, as much as they can, these memories are always a reminder how some of the worlds are so different from another, but... as it comes to that conclusion, they blink slowly, before peering at Elysia. ]
..The end, what..?
[ What happened? From the damage that was.. done to her - Doesn't quite get it. Doesn't quite understand. But it leaves them uneasy, worried, their expression twists with concern. ]
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[ they can start there. but at least, elysia doesn't seem too fazed to see her deletion looping on the mirrors. ]
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