[ A noise urges from their throat, a sound to counter those words. ]
It should've been me.
[ If it's him, then it's fine. It's fine if Siffrin gets hurt. It'll always be fine if he's the one hurt. But not them. Not those they love, their friends - their family, they didn't deserve to take the fall for their mistakes. They choke on their breath a little, gaze trembling as it flickers to the side as if to look at the mirror.
But they can only see Yves like this. Their grip drops a little with that knife, still keeping away from harming Yves, but not directed too much at themselves. Not like before. They'll gain nothing from following through with it. At least here. ..Everything is.. okay. Be here. With him. They hang on those words, fingers curling a little tight like he too will leave. ]
...Sorry.. [ Sorry, they say. For troubling him, for having to deal with.. them. They should have been stronger than this. ]
[ it's fine if the grip is tight—yves doesn't notice, and there's no chance that he's going to pull away. instead, he's just going to let his focus be on siffrin. siffrin, who needs him to be present and aware and in exactly this time, this moment, and none of the others. ]
... you don't have to say sorry to me. [ gently ] You never have to say sorry to me.
If the options are to be somewhere else, or to be with you, when you need help... I'll always choose to be with you.
[ Instead of questioning what he saw, Yves focuses on them and they.. don't know if that makes it scarier or not. Because there's a fear they will get used to it. Just taking and taking, oh Siffrin so greedy.
But he's here. An anchor, steadying their thoughts from going array even if something itches under their skin and they just want to cut those puppet lines from their body. Their hand tightens on their knife before slowly dropping it lower until that arm hangs almost weightless. ]
..Why? [ It's a helpless and confused plea. How does Yves do it? Face things on even if they're scary. What is it like looking through his eyes at the world? Even after so many loops, Siffrin still finds things to be afraid of. ]
[ yves lets the knife gets dropped then and his hand on siffrin's shoulder instead, trusting that they won't try again. that the impulse for violence and escape passed, and now they can focus on the here and now.
even though the question perplexes yves a bit. why? ]
... because you're my friend, Siff. I love you, the same as I love everyone else. [ and he doesn't stumble on the word, doesn't hiccup or hesitate around it ] I'll take a little bit of fear or surprise if it means you're not alone with it.
I think that's be the loneliest thing of all... and I can't let you go through that.
[ When that hand moves, robotically their hand slides their knife back into its sheath under their cloak. Free their hand before their fear gets the better of them again. Think of the feel of flowers in their hand instead. Gentle and fragile.
Their expression shifts to something tired, but they peer at him as they listen. And it isn't as if they doubt his words. They've seen it before, from their friends - the very moment they could tell, that they loved them. They do believe Yves when he hands out that same love he shares with everyone. ]
It doesn't feel lonely with you. [ Not like back in Dormont. Back at the House. No repetitiveness of the loops to grind that loneliness into them but.. the comfort of that thought, does bring some loneliness, doesn't it? But the company of some of them, of Yves. Their heart flutters a little, and they promptly squash that feeling. No. ] ..Can you tell me something about you?
[ A change of subjects, but they would rather focus on Yves, not the mirrors that fade with their most recent memory. But also holds paw for a return mem if friend so chooses hehe. ]
[ The story ends, and they think of that field, they think of the pain he must have endured and... they don't peer at him with pity. It's a bit of a searching look, but also guilt, because to have something shared without your control - well, they already know how that feels. That earlier memory of theirs still trembling under their skin.
They don't move, too afraid of messing it up, can't rewind and fix mistakes if they do the wrong thing and.. stars, that's terrifying. But guilt softly speaks up. ]
Sorry. [ It isn't in any of their control, but maybe they spoke it into existence by asking, by not suggesting them leave this place first. And the first thing they think to say is an apology, for witnessing a story so private and deeply wound with his thoughts and feelings. Bury some of the.. anger that bubbles up, that the Universe would treat someone this way. ]
siff is sweet and considerate and kind because it's true that yves shared that memory without really meaning to but—he's alright. he watches on with a bit of a shame, a little bit of guilt for something so hard to watch being shared, but... in the end, he turns back to siff with a gentle smile. ]
Nothing for you to apologize for.
... I know it was tough to watch, so I'm sorry too. But... I'm okay.
[ Gently, hands shift as if to comfort him at that small change in his expression, but fingers just curl a little instead of moving completely. Meeting that gentle smile before shaking their head to his own apology. ]
You have nothing to apologize for either. [ And they try to keep some of that bitterness out of their tone, which isn't made because of Yves. Yves is the last person to ever apologize in this situation. But to face that kind of rejection... and cruelty. It's heavy. ..A gentle bump of their heads. ]
..I know it's just.. a memory, and even if you say it's okay.. [ It's that feeling of "I wish I had been there to help." They can't even begin to recall their own childhood at all. Gone as it is. But were he there, he would have liked to try and hold his hand and say it'll be okay.
He has to settle with doing it now, his free hand settling over Yves' own. ] You deserve better and more.
he's been hearing that often lately. that what happened to him isn't his fault, that he did a brave thing, that he was mistreated and he should have some self-respect. maybe he should. but when he thinks about it.... ]
.... I do think that they were doing things to the best of their ability. Or, with the information they had at the time. I know it's hard to watch and it is cruel...
[ Life in his home, would be what it just is for him, even if to others, to Siffrin, it is just cruel. A quiet breath in, and out, settle their nerves from earlier, settle the ones of now. Quiet as they listen to him. Taking his words to heart. To hopefully, memory. Those people were doing things to the best of their ability, but with fear to control it.
(You've been controlled by your own fear from time to time, are you capable of judging?) Still, they do, because in this case it hurts someone they come to care quite a lot about. Someone they only want to see happy. ]
..You always have a way of looking at things differently. [ A lighter, bright point of view. Forgiving and kind, even in the face of what must have been so painful and hurt, he still tries to offer an explanation for it. This isn't said negatively, or even that it's bad, but something they've noticed. ] I think... it's okay to want more. To want differently for yourself.
[ Words they definitely won't follow themselves but Yves deserves better and they'll continue to stand by that. ]
[ it is a way of looking things differently... that has been developed a coping mechanism. a very real way in which he tries to love everyone, and it requires leaving his own anger behind. it's nowhere to be found, even now.
and so is greed.
he smiles faintly at that, touched. ]
... I'm not sure how to feel those things anymore. But... it is meaningful to me that you think I should. It's sweet.
[ Siffrin goes quiet for a moment, peering down, contemplating
before they softly look at him. Yeah, for them, those three digits appearing at the end of their own memory when they awaken again in the meadow is just one of many numbers of how much they've seen. There's some things they feel like they'll forget how it feels, already have, but.. when it comes to someone else - ]
..That's okay. I'm sure a few people here will. [ Feel it for him. Remind him. Help him remember, even. Their chest tightens at being called sweet, but they won't focus too much on that. These silly feelings in their chest they will squish. ]
Ah.. it's. Just how I feel. [ A little quieter, softer. They just want the best for him. ]
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no subject
It should've been me.
[ If it's him, then it's fine. It's fine if Siffrin gets hurt. It'll always be fine if he's the one hurt. But not them. Not those they love, their friends - their family, they didn't deserve to take the fall for their mistakes. They choke on their breath a little, gaze trembling as it flickers to the side as if to look at the mirror.
But they can only see Yves like this. Their grip drops a little with that knife, still keeping away from harming Yves, but not directed too much at themselves. Not like before. They'll gain nothing from following through with it. At least here. ..Everything is.. okay. Be here. With him. They hang on those words, fingers curling a little tight like he too will leave. ]
...Sorry.. [ Sorry, they say. For troubling him, for having to deal with.. them. They should have been stronger than this. ]
no subject
... you don't have to say sorry to me. [ gently ] You never have to say sorry to me.
If the options are to be somewhere else, or to be with you, when you need help... I'll always choose to be with you.
Even, or especially, when things get scary.
no subject
But he's here. An anchor, steadying their thoughts from going array even if something itches under their skin and they just want to cut those puppet lines from their body. Their hand tightens on their knife before slowly dropping it lower until that arm hangs almost weightless. ]
..Why? [ It's a helpless and confused plea. How does Yves do it? Face things on even if they're scary. What is it like looking through his eyes at the world? Even after so many loops, Siffrin still finds things to be afraid of. ]
no subject
even though the question perplexes yves a bit. why? ]
... because you're my friend, Siff. I love you, the same as I love everyone else. [ and he doesn't stumble on the word, doesn't hiccup or hesitate around it ] I'll take a little bit of fear or surprise if it means you're not alone with it.
I think that's be the loneliest thing of all... and I can't let you go through that.
no subject
Their expression shifts to something tired, but they peer at him as they listen. And it isn't as if they doubt his words. They've seen it before, from their friends - the very moment they could tell, that they loved them. They do believe Yves when he hands out that same love he shares with everyone. ]
It doesn't feel lonely with you. [ Not like back in Dormont. Back at the House. No repetitiveness of the loops to grind that loneliness into them but.. the comfort of that thought, does bring some loneliness, doesn't it? But the company of some of them, of Yves. Their heart flutters a little, and they promptly squash that feeling. No. ] ..Can you tell me something about you?
[ A change of subjects, but they would rather focus on Yves, not the mirrors that fade with their most recent memory. But also holds paw for a return mem if friend so chooses hehe. ]
no subject
[ the mirrors begin to shift and decide to tell that story for him.
You won’t fool me by calling me Mother, you demon…! ]
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They don't move, too afraid of messing it up, can't rewind and fix mistakes if they do the wrong thing and.. stars, that's terrifying. But guilt softly speaks up. ]
Sorry. [ It isn't in any of their control, but maybe they spoke it into existence by asking, by not suggesting them leave this place first. And the first thing they think to say is an apology, for witnessing a story so private and deeply wound with his thoughts and feelings. Bury some of the.. anger that bubbles up, that the Universe would treat someone this way. ]
no subject
siff is sweet and considerate and kind because it's true that yves shared that memory without really meaning to but—he's alright. he watches on with a bit of a shame, a little bit of guilt for something so hard to watch being shared, but... in the end, he turns back to siff with a gentle smile. ]
Nothing for you to apologize for.
... I know it was tough to watch, so I'm sorry too. But... I'm okay.
no subject
You have nothing to apologize for either. [ And they try to keep some of that bitterness out of their tone, which isn't made because of Yves. Yves is the last person to ever apologize in this situation. But to face that kind of rejection... and cruelty. It's heavy. ..A gentle bump of their heads. ]
..I know it's just.. a memory, and even if you say it's okay.. [ It's that feeling of "I wish I had been there to help." They can't even begin to recall their own childhood at all. Gone as it is. But were he there, he would have liked to try and hold his hand and say it'll be okay.
He has to settle with doing it now, his free hand settling over Yves' own. ] You deserve better and more.
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he's been hearing that often lately. that what happened to him isn't his fault, that he did a brave thing, that he was mistreated and he should have some self-respect. maybe he should. but when he thinks about it.... ]
.... I do think that they were doing things to the best of their ability. Or, with the information they had at the time. I know it's hard to watch and it is cruel...
But that's just what life in my home was like.
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(You've been controlled by your own fear from time to time, are you capable of judging?) Still, they do, because in this case it hurts someone they come to care quite a lot about. Someone they only want to see happy. ]
..You always have a way of looking at things differently. [ A lighter, bright point of view. Forgiving and kind, even in the face of what must have been so painful and hurt, he still tries to offer an explanation for it. This isn't said negatively, or even that it's bad, but something they've noticed. ] I think... it's okay to want more. To want differently for yourself.
[ Words they definitely won't follow themselves but Yves deserves better and they'll continue to stand by that. ]
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and so is greed.
he smiles faintly at that, touched. ]
... I'm not sure how to feel those things anymore. But... it is meaningful to me that you think I should. It's sweet.
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before they softly look at him. Yeah, for them, those three digits appearing at the end of their own memory when they awaken again in the meadow is just one of many numbers of how much they've seen. There's some things they feel like they'll forget how it feels, already have, but.. when it comes to someone else - ]
..That's okay. I'm sure a few people here will. [ Feel it for him. Remind him. Help him remember, even. Their chest tightens at being called sweet, but they won't focus too much on that. These silly feelings in their chest they will squish. ]
Ah.. it's. Just how I feel. [ A little quieter, softer. They just want the best for him. ]